And the Oscar for Best Blog Goes to…….

March 9th, 2010

The Oscars were Sunday night. “Avatar” was Blind-Sided by “The Hurt Locker.”

Director James Cameron met the Terminator, it’s his ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow.

There is already talk of a Sequel to “The Hurt Locker.” It may star Tom Cruise and be titled “The Squirt Locker.”

Elections in Iraq over the weekend went pretty smoothly. The winner beat his opponent by a land-mine.

Bill O’Reilly said on Good Morning America that “Sarah Palin needs to go to college, Political college, world affairs college” Hopefully a college that offers more that being able to see Russia from the quad.

Next month the government is planning to unveil a new design for the $100 bill. What the heck. They figured since it isn’t worth anything, it might as well look good.

One of the Pope’s elite ushers, who is already in jail over a corruption probe, has been named in a gay prostitiution ring. Even though this guy is in custody it still may be a good idea to watch your back when bending over to kiss the Pope’s ring.

USA TODAY reports that federal employees earn higher average salaries than private-sector workers in more than eight out of 10 occupations. Of course they do, eight out of ten private-sector employees are out of work.

Who Erased my posts from the Last few Months?

March 5th, 2010

An air traffic controller at JFK airport has been suspended after he let his young son instruct aircraft in the tower and the next day let his daughter do the same. He was let go by the children of his supervisor.

An air traffic controller at JFK airport has been suspended after he let his young son instruct aircraft in the tower and the next day let his daughter do the same. The day after that he let his kids talk to the clerk at the unemployment office.

Ten Toyota owners told federal officials that their cars still accelerate when they are not supposed to even after the recall repairs. Maybe Toyota is just giving up. Today they decided to recall their apology.

A Colorado coffee shop called Perky Cups is being criticized for an advertising banner featuring a bikini clad woman holding a cup of coffee. They are the only coffee shop with a bare-ista.

Former vice president Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack last week. Cheney is doing well. To put the sneer back on his face he spent several days with friends and family relaxing on Shutter Island.

Los Angeles city attorney’s are looking for four people who have put up giant billboards without obtaining permits. To get some leads the city will get the word out by putting up a giant billboard.

Steven Seagal, Lawman. Goober, Action Star

December 3rd, 2009

Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. I’ll try to get back to posting jokes two or three times per week. Hopefully there is still somebody out there looking at this site, thanks for hanging in there. I’m a little rusty, but…

Action movie star Steven Seagal has a new reality show on A&E. It takes place in a small Louisiana town where Seagal is a deputy sheriff. This is what A&E considers art and entertainment? Steven Seagal as Barney Fife?

One film that has not done well at the box office is “The Men Who Stare at Goats.” Why would anyone make a movie about a bunch of guys sitting around watching The View.

A woman in Massachusetts says the face of Jesus Christ has appeared on her iron and is a message that “life is going to be good.” Or it also could be a message from Jesus to get that red-hot iron off of his face!

The Warsaw zoo has had two live humans wearing animal skins on display in a cage to spark interest in man’s caveman ancestry. It also teaches the locals how to save a bunch of money on their car insurance.

A German tourist has been arrested at Disney-world for telling an employee he had two bombs in his back pack. As punishment they made him sit through the “It’s a Small world After all” ride over and over ….

Alec Baldwin says he is ready to retire from acting and told Men’s Journal that “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore.” Now if he can only get brothers Stephen, Daniel and Billy to join the club.

Cockpit tapes of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot the Minneapolis airport have been released. They’ll be available on CD for Christmas in a black-box set.

I’ll be Back Soon

November 19th, 2009

Sorry I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. I will be back posting in a few days.

Cloudy with a chance of Giant Meatballs

November 4th, 2009

A 31-year-old man in Michigan faces charges after stealing an ambulance that had been left idling outside of a hospital emergency room. I don’t think this is what Democrats meant by the Public Option.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in New Hampshire was confirmed by Guinness Book of World Records over the weekend as the maker of the world’s largest meatball. It weighs 222.5 pounds. The previous title holder to the world’s largest meatball - Rush Limbaugh.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. That is, if the male bats have an extra $50 bucks!

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. After hearing this, guys everywhere want to be reincarnated as a Chinese fruit bat.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. And you thought it was bad when they left teeth marks on a neck? Ouch!

Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to their first child last week. It’s a bold move at his age but Mel has always been a “Maverick,” has a “Braveheart” and knows “What Women Want.”

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Really? You didn’t know?…..Instead of guilty, a better plea may be insanity.

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. He also just found out that Madoff’s in prison.

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. This is the new “China Syndrome.”

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. After visiting a prostitiute, they medicate you long time.

This is It!

November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

World Series of floozies

October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

Late Monday post

October 26th, 2009

The two Northwest pilots that overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles told federal investigators that they were going over schedules on their laptop computers. Coincidentally, that’s the same thing they say when their wives walk into the room.

Finally there are answers as to why that Northwest Airlines jet flew 150 miles past the Minneapolis airport. Their first excuse was lame: They were distracted by a kid flying by in a balloon.

Finally there are answers as to why that Northwest Airlines jet flew 150 miles past the Minneapolis airport. But at first there was speculation that it was a stunt to get their own reality show.

The low budget film “Paranormal Activity” won the weekend’s box office with $22 million. After the success of this film, Jamie Lee Curtis may go back to Horror films with the sequel: “Paranormal Activia.”

The New York Yankees bought, I mean, won, won, their first pennant in six years.

Three pigs in Minnesota are said to have the swine flu. One solution to keep the illness from spreading is to turn them into “cured” bacon.

A man ordering food at a restaurant in Iowa City was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then punched him twice. The joke is on the guy who hit him. Turns out it really was a Zombie and after being hit ate the guy’s brain..

The city of East Providence, Rhode Island broke the Guinness world record for the longest strand of beads at 1,349.9 feet. Another record they broke. Most boring town ever!

Privacy and consumer groups are urging Congress to enact laws to limit what can and can’t be collected by online Internet tracking companies that follow consumer behavior. Guy’s don’t know what that means, but if it makes it easier to surf for porn they’re for it.

A new study by Yale University confirms that breakfast cereals marketed to kids have 85% more sugar, 65% less fiber and 60% more sodium than those aimed at adults. Taking sugary cereals away from kids may not be a good solution. The only exercise some of these kids get is digging the toy out from the bottom of the box.

Fossils from the smallest dinosaur in North America have gone on display at a Los Angeles museum. It’s about 28 inches long and weighs less than a rabbit. They may make a movie about it: “Jarrasic Quark.”

Two bar patrons in Wisconsin were almost hit by their own car when an alleged drunk driver slammed into the car in the prking lot and knocked it through the wall. It’s a great bar, but here’s a tip. Don’t use the valet parking

A female journalist in Saudi Arabia has been sentenced to 60 lashes for her involvement in a TV show in which a Saudi man publicly talked about sex. There is no justice. This host gets 60 lashes, yet the people behind The Jay Leno Show go scott free.