Archive for October, 2009

World Series of floozies

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

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Late Monday post

Monday, October 26th, 2009

The two Northwest pilots that overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles told federal investigators that they were going over schedules on their laptop computers. Coincidentally, that’s the same thing they say when their wives walk into the room.

Finally there are answers as to why that Northwest Airlines jet flew 150 miles past the Minneapolis airport. Their first excuse was lame: They were distracted by a kid flying by in a balloon.

Finally there are answers as to why that Northwest Airlines jet flew 150 miles past the Minneapolis airport. But at first there was speculation that it was a stunt to get their own reality show.

The low budget film “Paranormal Activity” won the weekend’s box office with $22 million. After the success of this film, Jamie Lee Curtis may go back to Horror films with the sequel: “Paranormal Activia.”

The New York Yankees bought, I mean, won, won, their first pennant in six years.

Three pigs in Minnesota are said to have the swine flu. One solution to keep the illness from spreading is to turn them into “cured” bacon.

A man ordering food at a restaurant in Iowa City was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then punched him twice. The joke is on the guy who hit him. Turns out it really was a Zombie and after being hit ate the guy’s brain..

The city of East Providence, Rhode Island broke the Guinness world record for the longest strand of beads at 1,349.9 feet. Another record they broke. Most boring town ever!

Privacy and consumer groups are urging Congress to enact laws to limit what can and can’t be collected by online Internet tracking companies that follow consumer behavior. Guy’s don’t know what that means, but if it makes it easier to surf for porn they’re for it.

A new study by Yale University confirms that breakfast cereals marketed to kids have 85% more sugar, 65% less fiber and 60% more sodium than those aimed at adults. Taking sugary cereals away from kids may not be a good solution. The only exercise some of these kids get is digging the toy out from the bottom of the box.

Fossils from the smallest dinosaur in North America have gone on display at a Los Angeles museum. It’s about 28 inches long and weighs less than a rabbit. They may make a movie about it: “Jarrasic Quark.”

Two bar patrons in Wisconsin were almost hit by their own car when an alleged drunk driver slammed into the car in the prking lot and knocked it through the wall. It’s a great bar, but here’s a tip. Don’t use the valet parking

A female journalist in Saudi Arabia has been sentenced to 60 lashes for her involvement in a TV show in which a Saudi man publicly talked about sex. There is no justice. This host gets 60 lashes, yet the people behind The Jay Leno Show go scott free.

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Things aint so Rosie

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a “healthy kids fair” on the South Lawn of the White House. During the event the first lady did 142 swivels with a hula hoop. It’s the same hoop that Republicans are making Barack jump through to get health care passed.

The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for federal gator aid.

Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of banks, big business and the auto industry…that’s a croc.

The economic recession is hurting the American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. See you later…..industry of alligator.

A cat rode two miles in New York City stuck in the engine compartment of an SUV. The police emergency unit was called and removed the cat safely. So 9-lives beat out a V-8.

It’s been reported that Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter may be on the rocks. Rumors that Kelli got in a balloon and flew away are not true.

Actually it wasn’t a balloon, that was Rosie.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting money to pay an exotic dancer. A taxi driver noticed the $50 bills looked odd and were not trimmed evenly. The exotic dancer looked odd and was not trimmed evenly either.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Sadly, with today’s economy, the counterfeit bills have the same value as real bills.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Phony money for phony boobs.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You know global warming is bad when bears are hiding out in the beer cooler at Ralph’s.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You just know some drunk is going to rent a bear suit and try that.

Toyota is experimenting with joystick controls for a new breed of compact cars and transporters. This may cut down on crashes. Men may take their hands off a wheel, but never off their joystick.

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Vic Mizzy RIP

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Songwriter Vic Mizzy who composed the theme song for the 1960’s sit-com “Green Acres,” has died at 93. He wants to be buried in the country, but his wife wants him buried in the city.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. That’s embarrassing, though in their defense it is a pubic thread.

A Massachusetts man went on a test drive with a Honda car salesman for more than 1,000 miles because the man refused to turn back. The guy was smart. He took a Japanese car. An American car wouldn’t have gone 1,000 miles.

The White house says that it will continue to book officials on Fox News even though they feel the network is a mouthpiece for the Republican party. Don’t confuse that with Rush Limbaugh. He’s the Republican bigmouth-piece.

Switzerland’s top criminal court rejected Roman Polanski’s appeal to be released from prison. And they definitely rejected his request of conjugal visits.

Pope Benedict has taken steps to make it easier for disaffected Anglicans to convert to Roman Catholicism. As an incentive, he’s offering converts a free ride in the Pope-mobile.

In a new study, scientists removed pheromones from fruit flies. The results caused male flies to be attracted to males. The technical term was that they can now fly both ways.

A new poll says that 57 percent of Americans support the government in creating a new health insurance plan to compete with private health insurance plans. The other 43 percent are Republicans.

Apple Inc’s sales and profits hit quarterly records which sent its stock to an all-time high. They have an app for that.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. Also, it was discovered that the museum’s dinosaur skeletons are actually constructed of Milk Bones.

A white justice of the peace in Louisiana refused to issue a marriage license earlier this month to a white woman and a black man. He won’t even allow guests at weddings to throw brown rice.

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007 is 82

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

In an new experiment Amazon.com has given more than 200 college students Kindle e-reading devices loaded with digital versions of their textbooks. Why not load the Kindle with what the students will really use? - Cliffs notes.

Roman Polanski is in a Swiss jail and is finishing work on his latest film from his cell. How about finishing his latest sentence.

The FBI has begun using facial-recognition technology to compare millions of motorists driver’s license photos with pictures of convicts. They are trying to find the one criminal in America who actually looks like his driver’s license photo.

President Obama wants to give people on Social Security a $250 payment to make up for no cost of living increase in Social Security next year. Grandpa can use the $250 to bribe the death panels not to pull the plug on grandma.

Actor Roger Moore who played James Bond turned 82 this week. At 82, to keep it active, he’s required every year to renew his license to kill.

An artist in Straubing, Germany has placed 1,250 garden gnomes with their arms outstretched in the Hitler salute in the towns marketplace. That’s how these things start. Before you know it they’ll show up in Poland, France….Hungary.

A 54-year-old woman in Michigan was arrested for calling police and reporting the theft of her marijuana plants. They were potted plants.

Al Pacino says that when he was 20 he lived in Sicily and an older woman provided him with food and housing in return for his servicing her ……Hoo-Ha!

A painting created by a 19th century German artist and sold two years ago for about $19,000 is now thought to be done by Leonardo da Vinci. Art experts say it’s valued at more than $150 million. It’s a painting by numbers. 150 million numbers.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said “There’s going to be swift action” after celebrity Web site TMZ.com posted photographs showing his wife Maria Shriver on a phone while driving. The TMZ photographer will surly enjoy his new job as a wedding photographer in Tijuana.

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Marge is in Charge

Monday, October 12th, 2009

At the box office over the weekend the top film was “Couples Retreat.” It’s the story of how David Letterman is going to spend the rest of his life.

Representatives of late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel have confirmed to People magazine that Kimmel has been dating a co-head writer on his show. This may be the greatest example in TV history ever of nobody caring.

Miss Plastic Hungary 2009, a beauty contest for woman who have had breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts, was held in Hungary. Joan Rivers and Cher won lifetime achievement awards.

Miss Plastic Hungary 2009, a beauty contest for woman who have had breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts, was held in Hungary. With all the face-lifts among the contestants even the losers looked surprised.

Miss Plastic Hungary 2009, a beauty contest for woman who have had breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts, was held in Hungary. Miss Budapest won best Booty.

Miss Plastic Hungary 2009, a beauty contest for woman who have had breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts, was held in Hungary. It was sponsored by Mattel.

Miss Plastic Hungary 2009, a beauty contest for woman who have had breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts, was held in Hungary. These women have Barbie-doll figures. Which is only natural because they’re made from the same material.

A Bernie Madoff mask is being offered this Halloween. Didn’t we already have that, It’s called the Grandpa Munster mask.

A Bernie Madoff mask is being offered this Halloween. You just know that any kid who wears this mask will steal all the other kid’s candy.

A Bernie Madoff mask is being offered this Halloween. It comes with a government issued striped outfit.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. She is the first cartoon character ever to be on the cover. Fun Fact: The Simpsons went on the air before any of Hef’s girlfriends were even born.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. In a fascinating article Marge reveals that her choice of contraceptive is the Sponge-bob Squarpants.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. She is the first cartoon character ever to be on the cover. For some of these hard-core Simpson fans that are over 40 this may actually be the first time they’ve seen a naked woman.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. Men are attracted to an animated woman.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. She is the first cartoon character ever to be on the cover. Though she is not the first cartoon character to sleep with Hef. There are rumors that in the 60’s he and Betty Rubble had a little something going on.

Marge Simpson will appear on the cover of this months Playboy magazine. She is the first cartoon character ever to be on the cover. Also, she is the first Playmate to have all her original parts.

Students at a School in Ireland are being asked to bring their own toilet paper. In schools, maybe this is a new method to wipe out crack?

Students at a School in Ireland are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school. This will not wipe out crappy grades.

Students at a School in Ireland are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school. You just know they will use it to TP the schoolhouse.

Students at a School in Ireland are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school. Maybe this is a new method to help out kids who are a little behind?

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Be careful with the bladder splatter

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. You don’t want to know how he celebrated when he turned 69.

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. And getting up 95 times a night to pee.

President and Michelle Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary. He did 17 years with Michelle, can he do more than 4 years with Americans?

A Japanese airline has started asking passengers to use the toilet before boarding to reduce aircraft weight. Guys, be careful with your aim, remember you have to take those shoes off to go through security.

Burger King plans to overhaul its 12,000 locations worldwide with a new look. The interior will have rotating red flame chandeliers, TV-screen menus and corrugated metal and brick walls. But, don’t worry, the food will still suck.

A study shows that birth control pills may be taking human evolution in a new direction. It may affect choice of mates in a way that could hinder successful reproduction in the future. Isn’t that the whole point behind birth control pills? To hinder successful reproduction.

Maybe the parents of the people who conducted this study should have thought about birth control pills.

A couple in Massachusetts upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of the children in line. One thing KFC will not tolerate is “fowl language.”

An Ohio couple got married last weekend both dressed as vampires. The groom arrived in a coffin inside a hearse and the coffin was carried to the alter by six pallbearers. I hear they have plans to Honeymoon on the coast. Probably Cape Odd.

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