dailynewsjokes.com

President Obama spent a lot of time this week with the Group of 20. Not the summit in Pittsburgh. A group of twenty who still back his health care plan.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg admits to taking a helicopter to the U2 show at Giants stadium on Thursday. Bloomberg likes to portray himself as a national environmental leader. Just because the helicopter is painted green doesn’t count……….

How much do you tip a helicopter pilot?
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­A new comparison of flu vaccines says that the standard shot in the arm is twice as effective against regular winter flu as the newer nasal spray. Good thing it’s twice as effective, it’s twice as painful.

A woman in New Jersey has just turned 100 years old. She went into work just as she has every day for the last 30 years. Sure, she doesn’t want to get canned on her 100th birthday

An investigation by the Associated Press found that the drinking water at thousands of schools across the country contain unsafe levels of lead, pesticides and dozens of other toxins. Inspectors are surprised because usually these things are confined to the cafeteria.

In a new book actress Mackenzie Phillips says she had consensual sex with her father, Mommas and the Pappas leader John Phillips. He wasn’t California Dreamin.’ More like “Californication Dreamin.”

A nationwide shortage of school nurses could lead to more students falling Ill from the H1N1 virus. There is no shortage of teachers so students will also be contracting syphilis, VD, chlamydia…….

Last spring a school nurse in New York City - Mary Pappas at St. Francis Preparatory School - helped curtail the country’s first major outbreak of H1N1. Amazing that she did it with only a spoonful of sugar.

New research suggests that teenagers with their own cars are much more likely to get in crashes than those who share a car. And the ones who share a back seat are more likely to have an “accident.”

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. They wouldn’t allow any camels because with Gadhafi and Trump two humps is enough.

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. Trump hired a look-alike with a bad hairpiece to go tell Gadhafi he’s fired.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. He’s already wearing adult diapers.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. A peek. More like an eyeful.

TMZ published Britney Spears’ American Express credit card statement. The bill totaled over $112,000. Most of that was for Prozac and driving lessons for the kids.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Texas for allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill in California. His new film: “Kingpin-head.”

NASA said it has found water molecules all over the moon’s surface. But, next time they’ll dry off the toilet seat.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mick Jagger tried it out and the thing exploded.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mr. Bean tried it and came up with negative six.

A widow in Florida is suing Green Tree Servicing for causing stress that contributed to the death of her husband. They called up to nine times per day hounding him for money he owed on the family mortgage. The real shocker was that the calls were coming from inside the house!