dailynewsjokes.com

Arnold Schwarzenegger will play a small role as himself: California governor, in an upcoming Sylvester Stallone movie. No more details are available because the two are in talks, but nobody can understand what they’re saying.

Former NFL star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month sentence under home confinement because there is no room for him at a halfway house. That lucky dog.

Former NFL star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month sentence under home confinement. Vick’s been fined, jailed, ridiculed and the economy has destroyed his 401 K-9.

A new study finds that more people are turning to career development Web sites even if they are still employed. These are the same people who turn to porn sites even when they’re still married.

First lady Michelle Obama tells People magazine that the first family will get a dog in April. They’re looking for a Portuguese Water Dog. Don’t worry, if it’s a puppy it will be a water dog.

The Labor Department reported that mass layoffs in January are up almost 50 percent from the same month last year. The only jobs not laid off are the ones who track layoffs for the Labor Department.

Scientists say that Antarctic glaciers are melting faster than previously thought. It’s a development that could lead to an unprecedented rise in sea levels and the sudden move farther inland by Al Gore.

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, public schools are faced with many unpaid lunch charges. Children, who’s parents fail to pick up the tab, get a cold cheese sandwich, fruit and a milk carton. For the moment, the schools will leave the program alone. It may raise a stink if they cut the cheese program.

A 58-year-old Maryland man stabbed his 19-year-old son in the left buttock because the son would not remove his hat at church. He would have gotten it in the right buttock if he hadn’t turned the other cheek.

Simon Cowell of “American Idol” fame made a tongue-in-cheek remark that he wants to be frozen after death. If he becomes a human Popsicle it will finally make use of that stick up his ass.

Dozens of residents did not want it to open, but a topless coffee shop opened in Maine. Waitresses need the gratuities and customers say the tips are great.

Dozens of residents did not want it to open, but a topless coffee shop opened in Maine. It’s almost full nudity, they have topless waitresses and a bottomless cup of coffee.