Posts Tagged ‘Australia’

The Emmys

Monday, September 21st, 2009

The Tina Fey show ….I mean, the 61st annual Emmy Awards were presented last night.

At the Emmys best drama went to “Mad Men.” Or as they call that in Washington, Republicans.

Congratulations to all the Emmy winners. To those who didn’t win they are no longer referred to as “losers.” The new term is “Inglorious Bastards.”

Some new rules were in place at the Emmy’s this year. If any speeches ran overtime the band was instructed to interrupt by playing a Kanye West song.

Neil Patrick Harris did a great job as host. On Television he plays a lecherous womanizer and in real-life is openly gay. It’s Ironic that one phrase he will never utter is: “How I met Your Mother.”

At the box office over the weekend the number one film was “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” It’s sad, but that was the exact results of Dick Cheney’s last cholesterol test.

The Information Minister of Nigeria has asked movie houses to stop screening the film “District 9.” It portrays Nigerians as gangsters and cannibals instead of as internet scam artists and princes.

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said he would not apologize for using the F-word in front of colleagues during a meeting. He was only responding to a member of the opposing party. The one who yelled “You Lie.”

A 19-year-old woman in Ohio who had an affair behind her fiance’s back stood outside a supermarket parking lot with a handwritten sign that said “I cheated” and “Honk if I deserve a second chance.” Typical woman. Trying to keep her man by using her honkers.

A 19-year-old woman in Ohio who had an affair behind her fiance’s back stood outside a supermarket parking lot with a handwritten sign that said “I cheated” and “Honk if I deserve a second chance.” Not too many drivers participated. Though she had a pair of honkers.

A 91-year-old naked man in Florida held an intruder at gunpoint in his back yard until police arrived. The intruder came to rob the family jewels, not have them dangling in front of him.

Researchers report that a topical cream for erectile dysfunction shows promise in tests on lab rats. The White rats are benefiting. The black rats don’t need it.

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Jessica Biel Stiffened my Hard Drive!

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

McAfee Inc., makers of computer virus software, say that Internet searches for actress Jessica Biel have a one-in-five chance of a computer getting infected with a virus. And the # 1 actress who can infect someone not using a computer is still Paris Hilton.

Security technology McAfee Inc. reports that actress Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on the web. Searches for Biel have a one-in-five chance of a computer landing at a Web site that will infect your computer with spyware and viruses. That’ll stiffen your hard drive.

A 33-year-old man in Clearwater, Florida was arrested for leaving a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old in a car while he was drinking in a strip club. That’s just irresponsible. Do you know how much drinks cost in a strip club?

An L.A. comedian is being sued by her mother-in-law after making her the punchline of too many jokes. Henny Youngman must be rolling over in his grave.

Here’s an old Henny Youngman joke: “Just got back from a pleasure trip. Took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

A new report says that SAT scores for the class of 2009 have dropped. SAT’s are down, but STD’s are up.

A new report says that SAT scores for the class of 2009 have dropped. The #2 pencils used in taking the test aren’t as sharp these days either.

They are tested on Reading, Writing and Twittering.

A man who got a speeding ticket in Tennessee mailed back a copy of the citation with a handwritten note saying he wasn’t subject to local speed zones because he was the deputy chief of the CIA. Yeah, the Coalition for Idiotic Americans

A 77-year-old man in New Hampshire who was upset that his street was blocked off for a parade drove through a barricade and hit a police officer with his car. He drove through the barricade very, very slowly with his left blinker on.

A 64-year-old woman in Alaska was arrested for threatening to kill a postal worker because a package was late. This is why seniors should not order their meds through the mail.

A new public service video from Wales that was produced to deter teens from texting while driving has become a world wide sensation. Teens just can’t stop texting their friends about it.

Singer Chris Brown was sentenced to five years’ probation, six months’ community labor and to stay away from Rihanna for the next five years. You can beat your girlfriend, but you can’t beat the system.

A woman in Minnesota stopped to have her car repaired with a goat in her trunk. I’ve heard of a “tiger in your tank,” but a “goat in your trunk” is the worst advertising slogan ever.

A man in Australia used a public toilet in a shopping mall and had to be taken to the hospital to have the toilet seat removed. Someone had smeared it with glue. Lucky for him Australia has National health care. Do you think in America your insurance company would cover your ass?

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Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

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John McCain & Sarah Palin

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Last week when reporters asked John McCain if it’s a boy or a girl they were referring to his choice of a future running mate. This week it refers to the running mate’s future grandchild.

John McCain’s Senate record on teenage pregnancy issues has opposed proposals to spend federal money on pregnancy prevention. With his running mate having a 17-year-old daughter who is pregnant McCain’s lack of support for teen-pregnancy programs has come home to roost.

John McCain’s VP pick, Sarah Palin, has a new baby and her daughter is due to have one soon. They’re considering a new campaign slogan: “Baby on board.”

President Bush addressed the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis Tuesday night from the White House by satellite. Democrats were disappointed, they’d rather have the President address the convention from an actual satellite.

The President spoke to the Republican National Convention by satellite. He was watched by attendees on a huge Jumbo-Tron…or, on that night, as the Democrats would like to refer to it: the Dumbo-Tron.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin’s back-round was properly checked out before she was asked to join McCain’s Republican ticket. If Palin were a Democrat she’d be judged by different standards. When they check out a candidate and say “she’s fine” it means a whole different thing.

Swedish and U.S. researchers think a gene that affects a male rodent’s ability to stay faithful in a relationship for life may also affect human men. It already affects guys because when a man cheats he’s known as a rat.

……………..One main difference is that the female rat doesn’t throw her boyfriends clothes out on the front lawn.

A man in Arizona drove 70 miles after discovering that his wife’s cat had hitched a ride on a spare tire under the truck. If he had driven much further instead of a spare tire, he’d need a spare cat.

An Australian study shows that brisk walking may lead to slight improvements on mental tests for older people with memory problems. Walking is popular among the elderly, which is handy because they frequently misplace their car keys.

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A few Jokes….

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

The mayor of an Australian outback mining town is trying to recruit ugly women as companions for the towns lonely bachelors. He’s in hot water for comments such as: “We should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women.” Apparently he’s never been on Match.com.”

A woman in Poulsbo, Washington beat up her fiance at their prenuptial party after the woman’s son saw the man kissing another woman. If she could read his mind she’d also find out that, while beating him, he was fantasizing about getting beaten by a different woman.

A man in Queens, NY found a pigeon that had intentionally been painted purple and could not fly because its feathers were rigid from the paint. Yet, somehow it still managed to crap on his windshield.

Wal-Mart announced that the latest album by rock group AC/DC will be available only in its stores. This must be that “Highway to Hell” they were always singing about.

Some new tracks: “For Those of you About to Shop for junk…We salute You.”

“Clean up on Isle 5″

“Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap…by a Woman in Curlers While Beating her Kid.”

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Ringo Balks, Thompson Talks, Britney Walks

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Due to severe drought in the Southeast, Nuclear reactors may have to shut down later this year in South Carolina, North Carolina and Alabama.>> This is devistating to national security…..Alabama has nuclear reactors?

Britney Spears was expected to plead for rights to visit her two boys but left the courthouse before she even reached the courtroom. >> She turned around when realizing she had left the house with panties on.

It’s these quick ins and outs that got Britney the kids in the first place

Scotland Yard is investigating grainy video footage of singer Amy Winehouse that allegedly shows her smoking crack. >> They discovered that the video footage is clear, it’s Winehouse who is grainy.

A new federal study says that global warming could reduce how many hurricanes hit the United States.>>The reaction from FEMA: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

A university in Sweeden has received $590,000 in funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch. >> They’ll milk this for everything they can. (what a corny pun that is, just udderly corny)

The next Sweedish study involves testing greenhouse gases humans emit while yawning during Igmar Bergman films.

AL Gore’s new documentary: “An Inconvenient Burp.”

Police in Los Angeles persued suspected bank robbers in a high speed chase while someone in the suspects car threw wads of money out the window. This is the first time officers responded to a bribe-by.

An Australian man was rescued from the jaws of a crocodile when a co-worker shot at the croc - accidentally shooting his companion in the process. >> The man’s lucky that Australia offers free health care which includes gator-aid.

When president Bush heard this story he wondered why there was a crocodile in Austria.

Republican Fred Thompson announced he has withdrawn his candidacy for president of the United States. >> It was like the proverbial tree falling in the forest.  The only way anyone would have noticed Thompson is if the tree fell on him.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of Regis and Kelly rather that cut one of his songs short. >> Not knowing what to do, Gelman put in a call to Pete Best.

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