Posts Tagged ‘bear’

Things aint so Rosie

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a “healthy kids fair” on the South Lawn of the White House. During the event the first lady did 142 swivels with a hula hoop. It’s the same hoop that Republicans are making Barack jump through to get health care passed.

The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for federal gator aid.

Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of banks, big business and the auto industry…that’s a croc.

The economic recession is hurting the American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. See you later…..industry of alligator.

A cat rode two miles in New York City stuck in the engine compartment of an SUV. The police emergency unit was called and removed the cat safely. So 9-lives beat out a V-8.

It’s been reported that Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter may be on the rocks. Rumors that Kelli got in a balloon and flew away are not true.

Actually it wasn’t a balloon, that was Rosie.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting money to pay an exotic dancer. A taxi driver noticed the $50 bills looked odd and were not trimmed evenly. The exotic dancer looked odd and was not trimmed evenly either.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Sadly, with today’s economy, the counterfeit bills have the same value as real bills.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Phony money for phony boobs.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You know global warming is bad when bears are hiding out in the beer cooler at Ralph’s.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You just know some drunk is going to rent a bear suit and try that.

Toyota is experimenting with joystick controls for a new breed of compact cars and transporters. This may cut down on crashes. Men may take their hands off a wheel, but never off their joystick.

dailynewsjokes, July 16, 2008

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

Elton John is to perform his first ever concert in Vermont. In his honor, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has made a new flavor called “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road.” Before he realized it is a brand of ice cream, Elton John got excited when he heard that he was going to be honored with a Ben and Jerry.

If they really wanted to please him they should have produced it in popsicle form.

Former co-star of the TV sitcom “NewsRadio,” Andy Dick, has been arrested in California for investgation of drug use and sexual battery. Or as Andy Dick calls it……Tuesday.

The Massachusetts state Senate voted to repeal a 1913 law used to bar out-of-state gay couples from marrying in the state. Their Motto: Whether your name is Carrie or Harry come to Massachusetts and you can marry Larry.

A black bear broke into a Colorado Springs Circuit City store where surveillance cameras recorded its every move. The bear heard they were having a honey of a sale.

The bear looked around for a clerk, rang the bell and when nobody showed up it left.

In Russia, 30 people had their vision damaged by lasers at a music festival. What was the name of it? “the retina, schmetna festival?”

Out of habit, 28 of the 30 confessed.