Posts Tagged ‘Bernard Madoff’

Cloudy with a chance of Giant Meatballs

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

A 31-year-old man in Michigan faces charges after stealing an ambulance that had been left idling outside of a hospital emergency room. I don’t think this is what Democrats meant by the Public Option.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in New Hampshire was confirmed by Guinness Book of World Records over the weekend as the maker of the world’s largest meatball. It weighs 222.5 pounds. The previous title holder to the world’s largest meatball - Rush Limbaugh.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. That is, if the male bats have an extra $50 bucks!

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. After hearing this, guys everywhere want to be reincarnated as a Chinese fruit bat.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. And you thought it was bad when they left teeth marks on a neck? Ouch!

Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to their first child last week. It’s a bold move at his age but Mel has always been a “Maverick,” has a “Braveheart” and knows “What Women Want.”

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Really? You didn’t know?…..Instead of guilty, a better plea may be insanity.

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. He also just found out that Madoff’s in prison.

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. This is the new “China Syndrome.”

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. After visiting a prostitiute, they medicate you long time.

Einstein’s Phone Number

Monday, May 11th, 2009

53 pounds of cocaine were found on a Texas beach. The estimated worth is about $500,000. After the find, the lifeguards weren’t the only ones walking around with white powder on their nose.

Beach front property immediately got higher.

Former vice president Dick Cheney appeared on the Sunday morning news program Face The Nation. Cheney felt out of place. He thought he was appearing on Shoot the Nation in the Face.

On CBS news show Face the Nation Dick Cheney said he’d rather follow Rush Limbaugh than Colin Powell as the future of the Republican Party. Cheney made a similar mistake years ago when he decided to abandoned good and follow Satan.

Star Trek made $31 million its first day at the box office. This is the first time in history a sum of money this huge was spent on a Friday night by men without dates.

It was the most successful opening fueled by a group of men who have never experienced an opening.

An Ohio teenager who attends a Christian fundamentalist Baptist school may be suspended for attending a public school prom with his girlfriend. His school forbids dancing, rock music and hand holding. He didn’t want to break the hand holding rule so instead - he nailed her.

This poor kid is living in a Footloose movie.

Even Amish people said “Ah, lighten up.”

Genealogy Web site Ancestry.com has posted copies of German phone books from 1915 to 1981. The books include Albert Einstein’s number while he was a professor in Berlin in 1930. I wonder if Einstein used a smart phone?

Ironically, the motto of the German phone book was “Let your fingers do the marching….through Europe.”

A diner at an upstate New York T.G.I.Friday’s says he found a severed snake head mixed in with his vegetables. It’s their new special. Snakes on a plate.

Los Angeles Dodger Manny Ramirez tested positive for a banned substance that turned out to be a female fertility drug. He has incurred an immediate 50 game suspension. He got very emotional, started crying and then went back to watching his stories.

The drugs may be having an effct. Teammates are now reffering to him as Fanny Ramirez.

In Washington two men were beaten by a man with a golf club after they urinated on a vehicle. What did he beat them with? A number one iron? Or should he have used a putter to beat a putz?

The mayor of a Salt Lake City suburb says he will shave his nearly foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. How about shaving it because it’s not 1895.

A Pennsylvania high school ordered more than 450 souvenir shot glasses for its prom. Nobody got left back, but everyone got hung over.

Amy Winehouse had to abandon a her performance at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival in the Caribbean due to heavy rain. She was ready to continue. Before the show she fixed her mascara with Thompsons water seal and coated her crack pipe in Rustoleum.

Bernard Madoff’s longtime secretary appeared on “Today” and ABC’s “Good Morning America” last week. She says that Madoff was a flirtatious boss who frequented massage parlors. What the masseuse did to him was the same thing he did to investors, but without the happy ending.

Meanwhile, Back at the Nude Dude Ranch

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

A federal judge has refused to give former Gov. Rod Blagojevich permission to travel to Costa Rica to appear in NBC’s reality show “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!” Blagojevich got in trouble trying to sell a seat, hope he doesn’t try to pay off a bench.

The judge pretty much told him “You’re Not a Celebrity and You’re Not Getting Out of Here.”

Bernard Madoff’s Mets season tickets sold on eBay for $38,100 which is well below the list price of $56,000. That’s peanuts, Madoff would have auctioned them off to thousands of people.

To show solidarity with the people of Sudan’s Darfur region, actress Mia Farrow says she will begin a hunger strike. It’s unprecedented for someone to begin a sympathetic hunger strike that’s thinner than the victims.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II turned 83 on Tuesday. In typical Queen fashion she waved it off.

A man was parking an SUV in a Manhattan parking garage when the vehicle crashed through a sixth-floor window and landed on a roof three stories below. New Yorkers are familiar with the expression “It fell off the truck,” but not “The truck fell off it.”

A lottery winner in Florida wants to open a nude dude ranch but local zoning laws and a nudity ban may cause problems. The ranch has many unusual activities. Most popular is the guessing game: Dude, where’s my scar?

A 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the U. S. Bowling Congress Women’s Championships. Amazing, she did it with rented shoes, rented ball and rented hip.

Files of the U.S. military’s most technologically advanced fighter aircraft have been compromised by computer hackers. Maybe they should have made sure their computers were the most technologically advanced.

A 21-year-old man who organized a pillow fight in front of a Vermont Mall was charged with disorderly conduct and being a little bit gay.

A 52-year-old woman in Ohio who took a job as an exotic dancer was attacked by a jealous co-worker on her first day. The co-worker repeatedly struck the woman with a stiletto heel. That’s just wrong. It’s cruel and unusual……A 52-year old stripper?

Bernard Madoff’s a real doll

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Hi folks. Just a note. I know that my posting schedule is a bit haphazard. I’ll try to publish three posts per week. Unfortunately, I don’t know on which days I’ll post so I hope you all check back.

If anyone has any comments or questions it is probably best to use the e-mail address above for questions and the comments link below for legitimate comments. I get so much spam that it’s difficult to weed out the legitimate comments from the junk. So, if you really have a question use the e-mail. Thanks, and here’s today’s compost….I mean post, post.. today’s jokes.

Microsoft Corp. announced plans to open its own stores despite the economic downturn. People can now go “windows” shopping.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll for $99.95. It wears a devil-red suit, carries a pitchfork and comes with a hammer so you can pulverize it. The hammer can also be used on yourself for paying a hundred bucks on a Bernard Madoff doll.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll. It’s so authentic that it has already bilked millions from G.I. Joe and Barbie.

The FAA has received reports of falling debris across Texas. Some callers reported what looked like a fireball in the sky. Didn’t Nostradamus predict this about George W. Bush’s return to Texas?

A new poll by C-Span of presidential historians rank Abraham Lincoln as the best president, George Washington as #2 and George W. Bush comes in at #36. I don’t care what anyone says. To me George W. Bush will always be the “number two” president.

Both Britain and France have acknowledged that nuclear-armed submarines from their countries have collided with each other in the Atlantic. Yikes! I see England, I see France, their navies lack dry underpants.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. The other option, for success, is to change their name to Hyundai.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. Why not, they’ve already borrowed enough for a real good bankruptcy lawyer.

Scientists found that toddlers who could convey meaning by pointing, waving bye-bye and gesturing at the age 14 months went on to have a richer vocabulary. That’s at 14 months. At 14 years the gestures mean a whole different thing.

Video Games Good, Homework Bad

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

A transient man in Florida convinced a woman that he was the drummer for the rock band Foreigner and then stole her Corvette and crashed it. That is not right. In fact, It’s as “Cold as Ice.”

General Electric Co. paid hundreds of its workers to stop smoking. The paid participants were three times more likely to stop than non-paid. The downside - Even non smokers took up the habit just to get paid to stop.

A fourth grade teacher in Ohio had a side job as a prostitute, and used the school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel. Everyone was suspicious of her. Never trust a teacher who assigns an essay titled “Who You did over Your Summer Vacation.”

A new study out of Europe says that video games can be good for children. They encourage creativity and cooperation. Yeah, it gives kids skills to invent creative excuses for not doing their homework.

The wife of Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff withdrew more than $15 million from a firm co-owned by her husband - including $10 million on the day before his arrest. Always put something aside for a rainy day….or bail money.

Police in Florida arrested a man that let his 8-year-old son drive a van. The boy hit two trees and nearly hit two people in a parking lot. Florida Seniors are impressed. They think the kid’s a show off.

A U.S. communications satellite collided with a defunct Russian satellite. Oops, Sputniked!

A man riding naked on a motorcycle crashed into an Arkansas state trooper when it was sleeting. Never rear-end a cop when your naked and stiff from the cold.

A person hit by a car was caught under a van and dragged nearly 17 miles through New York City before the driver realized it. These New Yorkers are resourceful. They’ll think of any way to use the carpool lane.

A person hit by a car was caught under a van and dragged nearly 17 miles through New York City before the driver realized it. This is not what their mechanic meant by the van getting some body work.