Posts Tagged ‘Bill Clinton’

This is It!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

Cheney Speaks

Friday, August 14th, 2009

A 51-year-old man in Maryland is in custody after holding a sign reading “Death to Obama” outside a town hall meeting on health care. Obama won’t die so easy - he’s got good health care.

A doctor in Florida who wants to promote better eating posted warnings on an electric sign such as: “French Fries = Thunder thighs” and “America Dies on Dunkin,” has been forced to resign. He’s also suspected of Twittering Little Debbie.

A British auction house says a signed copy of Adolf Hitler’s Manifesto “Mein Kampf” will be auctioned off and is expected to sell for $41,500. Mein Kampf, or as it’s known to Republicans: The health care Reform bill.

Starting Saturday, air travelers will have to identify their gender, date-of-birth and name. If your joining the mile high club you’ll also be required to show proof of your gender.

Victoria Beckham, formally of the Spice Girls, filled in for Paula Abdul on the “American Idol” auditions in Denver and got called back to sit in on Boston auditions. In a related story Paula Abdul tried to join the Spice Girls, but they already have a Scary Spice.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says that in their second term President Bush began to move away from him and showed an independence he didn’t see coming. This was around the same time President Bush turned from the Dark side to the Dumb side.

A 33-year-old man in Illinois was sentenced to six months in jail for making a yawn-like sound in court while his cousin was being sentenced for a drug charge. Now he’s making snoring sounds so his cell-mate will think he’s asleep.

Hillary Clinton, while speaking at a town-hall meeting in the Congo, was asked a question she thought was wanting Bill Clinton’s opinion. She got angry and said “I will tell you my opinion, I’m not going to channel my husband.” Rumor has it she hasn’t “channeled” her husband in years.

To reach Bill Clinton what channel would someone use? Probably channel 69.

Kim Jong Bill

Saturday, August 8th, 2009

President Obama turned 48-years-old this week. He invited officer Crowley, proffessor Gates and Joe Biden for the big cake summit.

Former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill this week and has been successful in getting the North Korean government to release two American female journalists. His one request was that when released, they don’t wear a blue dress.

A 49-year-old Illinois man drove his riding lawn mower to the gas station for beer because he has a revoked license and a previous DWI. He was arrested for Driving under the influence. His case may be used as the storyline on NBC’s new show: “Lawn and Order.”

Barack and Michelle Obama have made Vanity Fair’s International Best-Dressed List. No longer on the List is Angelina Jolie. But Jolie is still #1 on the list at Humongous Lips monthly.

Paula Abdul has sent a Twitter message announcing that she is quitting “American Idol.” Who is she taking career advise from? McLean Stevenson’s old business manager?

A cheese maker in Switzerland lost a metal spring and was pretty sure that it was in one of his expensive cheeses. He took seven cheese wheels to the local airport and ran them through the X-ray machine until they found the spring. This was the safest way to find the spring without cutting the cheese.

Marine scientists are going to the middle of the Pacific ocean to study an open sea area that is hundreds of miles wide where plastic debris is accumulating. They have dubbed it the “Great Pacific Garbage Patch.” or A patch of Euew.

A new government report says that a child born last year will cost about $221,000 to raise through age 17 for a middle-income family. And at age seventeen the child reciprocates to the middle-income family with the middle finger.

A 56-year-old Connecticut woman was honored at a 2008 dinner as “Nurse of the Year” by the Connecticut Nursing Association. An investigation discovered that she is not a nurse and spent more than $2,000 of her own money to stage the award dinner. Next Year she’s planning a big party for her being nominated as inmate of the year.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from a European vacation with his family. He’s trying to enforce a new state law to crack down on businesses hiring illegal immigrants. Especially women from Argentina.

A woman in Alaska was sentenced to 20 days in jail for letting her 7-year-old son drive while she was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. Is Britnay’s kid 7-years-old already?

An 86-year-old Chicago woman has been arrested 61 times since 1956. This time she was picked up for shoplifting wrinkle cream and stuffing $252 worth of groceries into her pants. Wrinkle cream is a sensible choice. She wanted to look good for her mug shot.

Arrested 61 times? Maybe she’s a slow learner.

According to the National Enquirer.com Oprah Winfrey is being sued for 1.2 trillion because an author says she stole material from his work and published it under another name. Didn’t he break one of the ten commandments: Thou shalt not sue Oprah?

If it isn’t a commandment, she has connections and can have it changed.

In Missouri, a woman and her mother were asked to leave a Burger King because the woman’s 6-month-old child was not wearing shoes. No shoes, but the kid was wearing a suit and tie.

A hypnotist in South Korea has been fined for kissing a woman he thought he had put in a trance. If you’re so boring that you put women in a trance I guess it’s less embarrassing to just say your a hypnotist, yeah, that’s it….a hypnotist.

Where in the World is Matt Lauer’s bike?

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

President and Michelle Obama met with Queen Elizabeth While in England. They gave the queen a personalized iPod. A personalized iPod for the queen? How does that work? Is it outfitted with a tiny little hat and handbag?

When Bill Clinton met the queen he gave her a personalized eye-wink.

Many states report that their stop-smoking hot lines have been flooded by calls in a panic over an increase in the tobacco tax from 39 cents to $1.01. The only problem is nobody can understand the calls with all their coughing and wheezing.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has proposed a new oil-backed currency. Don’t we already have that. It’s called the U.S. dollar.

Chavez wants this “petro-currency” to be backed by oil-rich nations. If a guy used this “petro-currency” to pay for a hooker does that make him a “petro-sexual?”

A report on CBS’s The Early Show about the top retail rip-offs claims that movie popcorn has a mark-up rate of 1300 percent. And, movie theater floors have a mop-up rate of about 1 percent.

The U.S. Post Office is going to come out with a stamp commemorating the TV show The Simpsons. If a letter is mailed with the stamp it’s delivered postage “Doh.”

A drunken man in Arkansas stole a school bus and asked a woman if she wanted to go for a ride. The man faces charges of theft and driving while intoxicated. Citizens are shocked. They didn’t know Arkansas had a school bus.

Five people in an SUV in NY escaped with minor injuries when an oncoming car hit a deer and it hurtled through their windshield and landed in the back of the vehicle. Nobody was hurt and still no sign of Matt Lauer and his bike.

Chloris Leachman posed in a gown made of lettuce and red cabbage and posed for a PETA ad campaign to promote vegetarianism. No reports of anyone becoming a vegetarian, but many people did lose their appetite completely.

The Domino’s pizza chain has given away nearly 11,000 free pizzas. The code to a coupon offering a free pizza was unlocked by a Web customer and the information spread on the Internet. The only drawback is because it’s free they take their time to get it to you.

An Iowa man who skipped out of paying for a prosthetic leg in 2005 has been arrested and the leg confiscated. Prosecutors say he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Scientists in Japan are working on ways to read people’s minds and record their dreams. These guys are the real dream team.

So if you forget your dreams you can now TiVo them.

A machine that can record dreams. Do they realize how many divorces this will cause. Now wives can see their husbands dreams. The playback will look like a Girls Gone Wild video.

For Weddings and Funerals

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Wanted to take a moment and thank the guys over at The New York Times blog “Laugh Lines.” They have published many of Doug Austen’s jokes over the past few weeks. It’s so nice to get recognition and have jokes appear next to material from Jay Leno and Dave Letterman. Thanks.

It’s a fun site. Here is the link: “Laugh Lines”

On ABC’s “Good Morning America” former president Clinton said that Barack Obama should talk more optimistically about the nation’s economic recovery. And added, “Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending Hillary to Asia.”

Here’s a more Conservative version:

On ABC’s “Good Morning America” former president Clinton said that Barack Obama should talk more optimistically about the nation’s economic recovery. And, to repair the image of the United States, the Secretary of State should continually travel outside the country.

The New York Post apologized for a cartoon that caused many people to protest because some have interpreted it as comparing the President to a chimpanzee. If this comparison had occurred when Bush was president the chimps would be protesting.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. Guests were disappointed. They were expecting an open bar, not an open casket.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. That is one really bad wedding planner.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. This was the first wedding to be announced in the obituary column.

A 20-year-old woman in Kansas City Missouri was shot by her ex-boyfriend and the bullet ended up tangled in her hair weave. Talk about a bad hair day!

Or maybe it was a really good hair day!

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Bush struck a defiant tone at his trial and did not apologize. He’s being a real heel.

Deuce Bigalow “Calls it Quits” Gigolo

Monday, November 17th, 2008

In an interview on “60 Minutes,” Michelle and Barack Obama said that they will wait to get a puppy until after they move into the White House. Like when Bill Clinton waited before he got a dog in the White House.

They want the puppy to have its papers, examination, shots….. You know, totally vet-ed.

The word “meh,” an expression of indifference, has made its way into the Collins English Dictionary. When Americans heard about “meh” they reacted with “eh.”

Actress Eva Mendes says that the rumors she had sex in all 50 states is not true. But, since the story broke guys in every state have volunteered.

A movie about the early days of Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia is in the works. The movie will be told the same way in which Garcia lived life: In flashback.

Comedian Rob Schneider has decided that he will not to make any more Deuce Bigalow movies. Rob’s a little behind the curve. The Movie going audience had decided that after the first “Deuce Bigalow.”

Thank goodness we’ll never see Deuce Bigalow: “The Quantum of Solace Gigolo.”

Lipstick on a Pig

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

An investigation by the Interior Department of the agency that issues offshore drilling leases has found workers having sex, using drugs and accepting gifts from energy company representatives. The agency that issues the drilling leases follows that old motto: Ass, Grass or Gas, nobody drills for free.

On a campaign stop Tuesday Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama used the phrase “lipstick on a pig” and the GOP is claiming he used it as a sexist comment against Sarah Palin. Due to his well known infidelities, everyone knows that the only person in politics today qualified to judge a pig in lipstick is Bill Clinton.

Campbell Soup Co. said it’s profits rose 46 percent from a year ago. Of course profits have risen - with the economy in bad shape and the many home foreclosures - more and more Americans are eating in soup kitchens.

Hurricane Ike heads towards the Texas coast as Gov. Rick Perry urges residents to prepare for the storm. They are in the midst of preparations for the Hurricane or “Preparation H” for short.

Police have arrested Kanye West at Los Angeles International Airport after West got into an altercation with a commercial photographer and a $10,000 camera was broken. It’s rumored he was charged with impersonating P-Diddy.

After being booked, the mug-shot photographer was afraid to take his picture.

Two new studies say that arthroscopic knee surgery, in many cases, is not needed for arthritis patients and it’s no better than medication and physical therapy. But, with all those operations it’s done wonders for the Yacht industry.

According to a new study about four out of 10 freshwater fish species in North America are in peril due to pollution of freshwater habitats. To remedy the problem Democrats want to clean up the rivers and streams. Republicans want the fish to drink only bottled water.

The demand for amphetamines and other drugs is increasing in Asia. So now they’ll not only drive lousy, but fast too.

Jokes for Today

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

A priest in Italy is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns called The “Miss Sister 2008.” The priest wants to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they’re old and dour. During the pageant the nuns can dress sexy, but it can’t become a habit.

In a speech at the Democratic National Convention Tuesday Hillary Clinton roused supporters to send Obama to the White House and about John McCain she said: “No way, No how. No McCain.” This is a take off on an old Bill Clinton saying: No shirt, no shoes, no problem!

Hundreds of flights were delayed Tuesday due to a software glitch at an FAA facility that processes flight plans for the eastern half of the U.S…… Flights on the west coast were delayed due to business as usual.

In Texas, a 12-year-old boy took his grandmothers car and led police on a chase at speeds up to 60 mph. After this stunt he can forget receiving that birthday card with the five dollars in it.

Researchers who studied satellite photos of cows around the world say that cows seem to have a built-in compass and know how to find north and south. These researchers did exhaustive studies, in fact to come to a conclusion they waited till the cows came home.