Posts Tagged ‘Britain’

The Mommas and the Pappas are their own baby’s Daddy

Saturday, September 26th, 2009

President Obama spent a lot of time this week with the Group of 20. Not the summit in Pittsburgh. A group of twenty who still back his health care plan.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg admits to taking a helicopter to the U2 show at Giants stadium on Thursday. Bloomberg likes to portray himself as a national environmental leader. Just because the helicopter is painted green doesn’t count……….

How much do you tip a helicopter pilot?
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
­A new comparison of flu vaccines says that the standard shot in the arm is twice as effective against regular winter flu as the newer nasal spray. Good thing it’s twice as effective, it’s twice as painful.

A woman in New Jersey has just turned 100 years old. She went into work just as she has every day for the last 30 years. Sure, she doesn’t want to get canned on her 100th birthday

An investigation by the Associated Press found that the drinking water at thousands of schools across the country contain unsafe levels of lead, pesticides and dozens of other toxins. Inspectors are surprised because usually these things are confined to the cafeteria.

In a new book actress Mackenzie Phillips says she had consensual sex with her father, Mommas and the Pappas leader John Phillips. He wasn’t California Dreamin.’ More like “Californication Dreamin.”

A nationwide shortage of school nurses could lead to more students falling Ill from the H1N1 virus. There is no shortage of teachers so students will also be contracting syphilis, VD, chlamydia…….

Last spring a school nurse in New York City - Mary Pappas at St. Francis Preparatory School - helped curtail the country’s first major outbreak of H1N1. Amazing that she did it with only a spoonful of sugar.

New research suggests that teenagers with their own cars are much more likely to get in crashes than those who share a car. And the ones who share a back seat are more likely to have an “accident.”

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. They wouldn’t allow any camels because with Gadhafi and Trump two humps is enough.

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. Trump hired a look-alike with a bad hairpiece to go tell Gadhafi he’s fired.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. He’s already wearing adult diapers.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. A peek. More like an eyeful.

TMZ published Britney Spears’ American Express credit card statement. The bill totaled over $112,000. Most of that was for Prozac and driving lessons for the kids.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Texas for allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill in California. His new film: “Kingpin-head.”

NASA said it has found water molecules all over the moon’s surface. But, next time they’ll dry off the toilet seat.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mick Jagger tried it out and the thing exploded.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mr. Bean tried it and came up with negative six.

A widow in Florida is suing Green Tree Servicing for causing stress that contributed to the death of her husband. They called up to nine times per day hounding him for money he owed on the family mortgage. The real shocker was that the calls were coming from inside the house!

Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

The President wants to Change Tax Policy

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

The President plans to change tax policies. No longer will businesses and individuals be able to use tax havens such as the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas and the Obama administration.

FEMA has removed a controversial coloring book titled A Scary Thing Happened from its website. The books cover depicts a drawing of the 9/11 attacks with a plane flying into the one twin tower and the other in flames. A scary thing happened when they decided to put out this coloring book.

Who there consultant? al qaeda?

Hey kids, this holiday season, don’t forget to look for FEMA’s new: “There is no Santa Clause” coloring book.

For the first time since 1668, Britain has a woman poet laureate. She’s also gay and the first Scot to hold the post. Okay, she’s the first woman to hold this post, the first Scot, I doubt she’s the first gay…

If she really is gay I bet this is the first time she’s held any post.

A new study in the journal Science says that the southwest corner of Africa is the origin of modern human migration. And that’s where Madonna’s family is still coming from.

South Korean scientists have cloned a dog that glows in the dark. This begs the question: Does it shed light?

The U.S. forest Service will close thousands of caves in 33 states to control a fungus that has killed an estimated 500,000 bats. Dracula’s new name: Count Fungula. ……… forget that remark, that’s just stupid.

A man in Serbia, to protest low wages in the factory and lack of food, cut off his left pinky and ate it. How can someone eat a finger? Wouldn’t putting it down your throat make a person gag and then the finger would keep coming back up?

Playboy magazine named the University of Miami as the country’s top party school. To celebrate the honor they threw a party.

A new study finds that the French spend more time sleeping and eating than any other country among the worlds wealthy nations. Now we know what they do with the free time they save by not showering and shaving.

Oh, come on …..it’s just a joke….

Bernard Madoff’s a real doll

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Hi folks. Just a note. I know that my posting schedule is a bit haphazard. I’ll try to publish three posts per week. Unfortunately, I don’t know on which days I’ll post so I hope you all check back.

If anyone has any comments or questions it is probably best to use the e-mail address above for questions and the comments link below for legitimate comments. I get so much spam that it’s difficult to weed out the legitimate comments from the junk. So, if you really have a question use the e-mail. Thanks, and here’s today’s compost….I mean post, post.. today’s jokes.

Microsoft Corp. announced plans to open its own stores despite the economic downturn. People can now go “windows” shopping.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll for $99.95. It wears a devil-red suit, carries a pitchfork and comes with a hammer so you can pulverize it. The hammer can also be used on yourself for paying a hundred bucks on a Bernard Madoff doll.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll. It’s so authentic that it has already bilked millions from G.I. Joe and Barbie.

The FAA has received reports of falling debris across Texas. Some callers reported what looked like a fireball in the sky. Didn’t Nostradamus predict this about George W. Bush’s return to Texas?

A new poll by C-Span of presidential historians rank Abraham Lincoln as the best president, George Washington as #2 and George W. Bush comes in at #36. I don’t care what anyone says. To me George W. Bush will always be the “number two” president.

Both Britain and France have acknowledged that nuclear-armed submarines from their countries have collided with each other in the Atlantic. Yikes! I see England, I see France, their navies lack dry underpants.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. The other option, for success, is to change their name to Hyundai.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. Why not, they’ve already borrowed enough for a real good bankruptcy lawyer.

Scientists found that toddlers who could convey meaning by pointing, waving bye-bye and gesturing at the age 14 months went on to have a richer vocabulary. That’s at 14 months. At 14 years the gestures mean a whole different thing.

Oprah in Spanish

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Beginning this month the country’s six largest Hispanic TV markets will now be able to watch “The Oprah Winfrey Show” in Spanish. Now Hispanics can learn what Anglos have learned from watching Oprah: That they are not living their lives properly, are reading the wrong books and have dysfunctional relationships that need to be corrected.

In Ohio an 89-year-old woman was arrested and is facing charges of petty theft because she refused to give back a football to neighborhood children after it landed in her yard. Next week is Halloween and if I were this woman I’d have my house coated in Teflon.

Britain’s National Archives posted files on the Web that covers UFO sightings between 1986 and 1992. Sightings in Britain are similar to America, but they’re on the left side of the sky.

A 32-year-old man in Florida was arrested for trying to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. It’s embarrassing enough to be known as the guy with “shrimp” in your pants…for his sake I hope they were “Jumbo shrimp.”

A British couple are facing up to three months in prison and a fine for having sex on the beach in Dubai. They were’nt having sex they were simulating the act of drilling for oil.

MillerCoors LLC has discontinued production of the malt liquor beverage Zima because they realized it was originally released under the name: Fresca.

Peter Sellers

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

With all the talk lately about the British Sketch comedy show “Little Britain” I was thinking of some of my favorite British comedians. Here’s one guy that had a great career in both Britain and America: Peter Sellers. Mr Sellers was a very funny comic actor who could immerse himself in a character to the extent that there was no trace left of Peter Sellers - he became the character. The best example of this is in Stanley Kubrick’s masterpiece “Dr Strangelove.” Sellers plays three characters in that film including the president of the United States.

Here is a clip from a couple of years prior to “Dr Strangelove” it’s from “The Road to Hong Kong” released in 1962. This was the last of the “Road” pictures that were made popular in the 1940’s starring Bob Hope and Bing Crosby. I haven’t seen the whole film in many years but I think this clip is the full extent of Sellers role in the film. It’s pretty cute. I like Bob and Bing, but I think Sellers outshines them here. It runs about four minutes.