Posts Tagged ‘Bush’

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World Series of floozies

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

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Barry Manilow: Mall Cop

Friday, March 6th, 2009

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are teaming up to headline a benefit concert in New York City on April 4Th. Heather Mills took Paul to the cleaners. The economy is in the dumps. Maybe Paul and Ringo will have to live in that Yellow Submarine after all.

According to the Mortgage Bankers Association a record number of homeowners are behind on their payments. And those with adjustable mortgages have been paying a flat rate: zero.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. This would be a great wallet for R&B singer Chris Brown to endorse. It comes with extra teeth for your girlfriend.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Massachusetts Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. Or as Wal-Mart employees call it - a dental plan.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Massachusetts Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. You know the economy is bad when not only is your wallet empty - it can actually bite you in the ass.

Ten co-workers at an insurance company in New Jersey won a $216 million on a lottery. Ba-Da Ching!

The web-based tool twitter that allows people to send out text messages is getting very popular in Washington. The Obama administration may be known for it’s twitter. The Bush administration known for its twit.

Someone sent me a message from twitter. Does that make me a twittee?

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is going to broadcast songs by Barry Manilow through the mall district to convince unruly teenagers to go elsewhere. After hearing Manilow’s music they certainly won’t be going to the music store.

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is going to broadcast songs by Barry Manilow through the mall district to convince unruly teenagers to go elsewhere. Chasing kids from the mall. Manilow has become the new Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Last weekend Siegfried and Roy performed with the same tiger that attacked Roy in 2003. The show was a benefit for a Cleveland clinic which treats brain disorders. The act was an example of risky behavior engaged in by people with brain disorders.

Jerry Seinfeld is returning to TV with a reality show titled “The Marriage Ref.” it will feature celebrities, comedians and sport stars offering advice to real-life couples. Ironically, many marriages have broken up because husbands spent too much time watching celebrities, sport stars and comedians on TV.

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Obama infuriated, Bush Insultiated, Ron Wood Inebriated

Friday, July 18th, 2008

In an interview with Glamour magazine, Barack Obama said attacks on his wife are “infuriating.” Bill Clinton sympathizes with Obama and told him it get’s worse when they start attacking your girlfriend.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that European terrorists are trying to enter ther United States with European Union passports. They’re coming here to taunt Americans over how weak the dollar is compared to the Euro.

The U.S. government lifted its warning on all kinds of tomatoes and said the salmonella outbreak is not over, but is finally slowing. Now people are walking briskly to the toilet instead of running.

Coca-Cola will raise prices this fall because the company that bottles the product said that it will be raising its prices. This will make the choice between Coke and Pepsi that much easier.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is receiving Social Security checks, but says that if future generations are to enjoy benifits the system needs to be fixed. McCain should be able to fix it. Everything else in the Republican party is fixed.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood has entered a rehab facility for help with alcoholism. Don’t confuse Mr.Wood with the Rolling Stones’ other guitarist, Keith Richards. Ron Wood is the one still living.

In an interview with CNN House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that President Bush - in everything from the economy to the war to energy policy has been a “total failure.” President Bush wants to accuse Pelosi of flip-flopping. Last time she said he was a complete failure.

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Karl Rove won’t open his mouth, Rev. Jesse Jackson won’t shut his

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

After an interview on the TV show “Access Hollywood” Barack Obama had second thoughts about including his children. When asked what makes their parents angry the children said when they whine and argue with each other…….like daddy and that Clinton lady.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday to Barack Obama for making a “regretfully crude” comment toward him. Jackson said he was not aware the microphone was on, not unlike his mouth which is never off.

President Bush’s longtime political guru, Karl Rove, has refused to obey an order to testify before a House Judiciary Committee hearing. Rove’s lawyer asserted that Rove was “Immune” from the subpoena due to “executive privilege.” That explaination is reminicent of Rove’s physique: A flabby excuse.

A naked man in Las Vegas stole a beer, punched in the back window of a transit bus, climed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. It’s nice to see Siegfried is keeping busy while Roy recuperates.

U.S. Airways will stop showing in-flight movies on its domestic flights. By doing so, the carrier says it will save about $10 million a year and that’s just in late fees to Blockbuster.

A Japanese labor bureau has ruled that one of Toyota’s top car engineers died from working too many hours. The man was 45-years -old and worked more than 80 hours of overtime per month. Working that many hours it’s no wonder sushi is popular in Japan. Who’s got time to cook.

Police in Dallas were driving around in an undercover car for two months before they realized that the car, which was seized from a drug house, had $400,000 worth of cocaine hidden in secret compartments. Add a full tank of gas and the car has a street value of half a million.

The police got suspicios when they turned off the engine and the car was still buzzing along.

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Dolphins upstream, Olympics online, North Korea offline

Monday, June 30th, 2008

A group of bottlenose dolphins have gotten themselves lost and are wandering in narrow waterways of the Shrewsbury River in New Jersey. >>The dolphins came to the river for a rest. They heard that New Jersey is a good place to “sleep with the fishes.”

NBC will make more than 2,200 hours of live Olympic competition from Beijing available online. >> If the athletes don’t perform up to par, NBC plans to replace them with Conan O’Brien.

Last week - North Korea submitted a long-delayed report of its plutonium production and its nuclear program. This caused President Bush to drop North Korea from a list of countries that sponsor terrorism and add them to his Christmas card list.

A single mother in Florida who has tried to sell her home for a year and has been single for eight years has decided to offer both her house and her hand in marriage as a package deal on the inernet. >> She’s made many upgrades….and the house is improved too.

The deal comes with a 30 year mortgage and a prenup. I’m sure that whoever takes the deal, over time, their interest will decrease.

A New Mexico man wanted to change his name to: “F— Censorship!” but his request was refused by the appeals court. The court pretty much told him to F— Censorship.

Zimbabwe’s longtime ruler Robert Mugabe was sworn in as president for a sixth term on Sunday. He was the only candidate in the race>> But he is a Bi-polar, two faced, schizophrenic candidate.

The 38th annual gay pride parade was held in San Francisco over the weekend. It was led by motorcycle group Dykes on Bikes as they tossed bouquets to celebrate their newfound freedom to marry. >> Good thing the Dykes on Bikes didn’t have a run-in with Hells Angels because then they’d be Bitches in Stitches.

Here is the Dolphin story. I sure hope they find there way home…

 

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Obama’s Buddy, Britney Spears’ Nutty, Boy George Slutty

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Bill Clinton offered to help Barack Obama win the White House, though it is not clear what Obama might ask him to do…. because Obama is able to score his own chicks.

Clinton is eager to help and wants to meet Obamas supporters. Especially the “Obama girl.”

If Clinton had only helped Al Gore in 2000, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess.

One of the girls at the Massachusetts High school, out of 17, who became pregnant denies that there was a pact among them.>> If they had listened to their boyfriends there would be no babies and no pact, only an oral agreement.

Britney Spears and a parenting coach were questioned in court along with Kevin Federline over visitation of the children. Changes to the status of Britney’s visitation rights are not known. >>A parenting coach is a step in the right direction for Britney, next is an underwear coach.

A top NASA scientist said that global warming has gotten so bad that the world has long passed the “dangerous level” for greenhouse gases. >> President Bush just doesn’t get it. After hearing this he ordered all horticulturists to take beano.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe said he had a legal obligation to go ahead with the presidentail elections even though his opposition withdrew from the vote and fled to the Dutch embassy. >> Mugabe is a formidable candidate. His opposition got scared off after hearing that in elections, Mugabe usually buries the competition.

Culture Club frontman Boy George has been denied a visa to enter the U.S. because he is awaiting trial in London for imprisoning a man at his home.>> The “imprisoned” man didn’t shower the entire time in fear of dropping the soap.

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dailynewsjokes - June 23rd, 2008

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

Hillary Clinton had promised the daughter of a supporter, when the girl was in eighth grade, that she would attend her high school graduation. On Sunday, Clinton fulfilled the pledge and spoke at the girls’ graduation. >> This is a switch because it is usually Bill Clinton who makes promises to young girls.

Hillary really got through to many of the girls in the crowd. And the ones she didn’t reach, Bill will call later.

Former presidential spokesman Scott McClellan said that President Bush has lost the public’s trust by failing to open up about his administration’s mistakes. >> Bush is so stubborn that he doesn’t even open up when asked to by his dentist.

The big screen update of the spy sitcom “Get Smart” took in over $39 million at the box office to make it number one and Mike Myers’ “The Love Guru” came in # 4 with a total of $14 million. >> Audiences “Got Smart” and didn’t go see “The Love Guru.”

Two reels of silent 8-millimeter color film shot on the set of Marilyn Monroe’s last film “The Misfits” sold for $60,000 at an auction of movie memorabilia. >> It’s a rare behind the scenes look at one of Hollywoods most screwed up stars.

The devistating flooding in the midwest is causing corn and soybean prices to soar. This will lead to higher prices for beef, pork, poultry, eggs, cheese and milk. >> This is definitely the right time to switch from meat and milk to fish and booze.

At a Massachusetts High School 17 girls, all 16 years-old or younger, have gotten pregnant and are suspected of having a pact to raise their babies together. >>They are all expecting…..to get their GED together.

Somewhere along the line the girls got confused because the original pact was for them to be on top of their class, not on top of their classmates.

In London, Naomi Campbell was sentenced to 200 hours of community service after pleading guilty to assaulting two police officers in an April “air rage” incident at Heathrow Airport. >> This is unusual. She pleaded guilty? Didn’t throw anything? So this time it’s not a case of Heathrow / Shethrow..

Amy Winehouse’s father says his daughter has lung damage from smoking crack cocaine, cigarettes….and inhailing too much hair spray.

Winehouse collapsed at her London home last week after signing autographs. Her hair broke her fall….. and the sidewalk.

A Virginia man lost about 80 pounds in six months by eating nearly every meal at McDonadl’s. To achieve this he only ate the wrappers and cardboard containers in which the food was served.

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Jenna Bush’s Wed, Baskin-Robbins Co-Founder Dead

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

President Bush’s daughter Jenna is to marry the son of a Virginia politician, Henry Hager, at a private ceremony with family and friends at the Bush’s Texas ranch on Saturday. >> At least this weekend she can blame her blushing over becoming a bride and not because of embarrassment due to her father.

 A city government employee in western Japan was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites. >> It’s good to be hard at work, but if not authorized, never get caught pulling overtime.

A collector of Civil War relics was killed when a 140 year old cannonball he was restoring exploded and killed him. >> All these years later and that war is still dividing people.

A 21 year old Texas man was arrested on a forgery charge for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. >> Instead of a record business maybe he should start a check cashing business.

The Olympic flame was taken to the top of Mount Everest by a Chinese mountaineering team in a live television broadcast. >> The reason: It’s the last place on earth without protesters trying to extinguish the flame.

A New York auction house sold a pile of dinosaur dung for nearly $1,000. The fossilized dung is from the Jurassic era and is 130million years old. >> It can also be considered a fossil fuel due to its corn content.

Co-founder of Baskin-Robbins ice cream, Irvine Robbins, who had a penchant for creating unusual ice cream flavors, has died. He was 90.>> And even at 90 he was working on his latest flavor - “Rocky, What did I come in here for, Road.”

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