Posts Tagged ‘Colorado’

Who Erased my posts from the Last few Months?

Friday, March 5th, 2010

An air traffic controller at JFK airport has been suspended after he let his young son instruct aircraft in the tower and the next day let his daughter do the same. He was let go by the children of his supervisor.

An air traffic controller at JFK airport has been suspended after he let his young son instruct aircraft in the tower and the next day let his daughter do the same. The day after that he let his kids talk to the clerk at the unemployment office.

Ten Toyota owners told federal officials that their cars still accelerate when they are not supposed to even after the recall repairs. Maybe Toyota is just giving up. Today they decided to recall their apology.

A Colorado coffee shop called Perky Cups is being criticized for an advertising banner featuring a bikini clad woman holding a cup of coffee. They are the only coffee shop with a bare-ista.

Former vice president Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack last week. Cheney is doing well. To put the sneer back on his face he spent several days with friends and family relaxing on Shutter Island.

Los Angeles city attorney’s are looking for four people who have put up giant billboards without obtaining permits. To get some leads the city will get the word out by putting up a giant billboard.

Warning, todays post a bit naughty

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

Iranian scientists have cloned a goat and say that it will help them produce medicine to be used to treat people who have had strokes. That must be one damn clever goat.

“Cloning the goat.” I think that phrase may actually a euphemism for “boning the goat.”

A 20-year-old woman in Colorado wrapped her boyfriends dog in packing tape and stuck it upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn’t get rid of it. If a girlfriend taped my dog to the refrigerator door I know which bitch I’d get rid of.

Maybe she was trying to make a doggie door.

A driving instructor in Massachusetts was drunk while giving a driving lesson and will lose his license for a year. He won’t be allowed in a vehicle without a designated driving instructor.

With the help of a 911 operator a Michigan man delivered his wife’s baby. He told the dispatcher he didn’t know the wife was pregnant and thought her weight gain was because they had recently quit smoking. Ladies, and you thought your husband didn’t pay attention to you…

The weight gain was due to poking, not smoking.

To stop smoking many people use the patch, not the snatch.

A man by the name of Perry Mason in Houston, who is not an attorney, tried to solicit former jail inmates as clients for a local attorney. He was arrested by a man named Joe Friday, who is not a cop…..

A Brazilian city plans to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They had to resort to this because the sale of tiny little condoms just didn’t work out.

Don’t worry monkeys, you can always adopt.

A Wisconsin health care provider called a nurse out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. Scalpel, suture, pink slip.

The second-largest U.S. mall owner has declared bankruptcy. It is the biggest real estate failure in U.S. history. You know what you call a Mall food court worker that doesn’t have a job? A Cinnabum.

New Movie: Paul Blart: Out of Work Mall cop.

Two Domino’s Pizza workers were fired for making a video showing one worker stuffing cheese up his nose while preparing sandwiches. The pair posted the video on YouTube. If your order has 30 or more nostril hairs it’s free.

New idea for a topping: mucinex with a side of Kleenex.

If you call for delivery the order is guaranteed snot…I mean hot, guaranteed hot, hot.

Cape Clod officer

Friday, April 10th, 2009

In an effort to reach out to Jewish voters President Obama is inviting close friends and staff to a private Seder dinner to mark Passover. Jewish women will teach Michelle Obama how to prepare for a traditional Seder dinner: Make reservations.

Bruce Springsteen denies rumors he’s been unfaithful after a New Jersey man, who’s filing for divorce, says his wife “has committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen…at various times and places too numerous to mention.” Maybe Springsteen has been sending subliminal messages and this is that “rising” he’s been singing about.

A woman in New Jersey had someone break into her 2003 Honda S20 and stole the steering wheel, shift knob and front seats. It’s okay. She’s a back-seat driver.

Two Detroit-area men face larceny charges after they tried to steal 1,000 pounds of used restaurant grease. This was just a simulation for the real crime they’re plotting: To kidnap Rush Limbaugh.

A former Cape Cod police officer has agreed to pay victims restitution after he exposed himself and urinated on fans at a Metallica concert. The crowd was pissed!

More like he’s a former Cape Clod officer.

At a Metallica concert this is known as the opening act.

Crowd control begins with bladder control.

A Sheriff’s deputy in Arizona had her nose broken when a woman she was trying to arrest swung a purse that contained a three pound bottle of perfume. This is just another case of perfume attacking the nostrils.

A man in Texas motel room threw a large knife at a friend and then stabbed him in the chest because the friend had a flatulence problem and stunk up the room. This is the first reported case where an “SBD” was actually almost deadly.

A Colorado woman who is a vegetarian and loves tofu wanted to get a personalized license plate that read: “ILVTOFU” but was blocked by The Division of Motor Vehicles. Lindsay Lohan already has that one.

Why would someone want a license plate that reads “I Love to Foo?”

Authorities in Michigan jailed a 17-year-old for rolling a joint on the street. He was released after posting bond and an hour later police found him rolling a joint on the same street. This kid sure lacks “street” smarts. He sure ain’t no “road” scholar.

Instead of posting bond he tried to post bong.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton gave a puzzling and difficult interview to a Canadian radio journalist when he appeared on the show with his band. When the host asked Thornton when the band formed, Thornton said: “I don’t know what you’re talking abut. Thornton is just acting like an ass because he’s preparing for a new role: “The Billy Bob Thornton Story.”

Obama and Hillary Bond, Bill Gates gone

Friday, June 27th, 2008

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared together at a rally in Unity New Hampshire. >> At first Bill Clinton wanted to come along too. He thought they were going to “Nudity” New Hampshire.

Microsoft’s leader, Bill Gates, will end his full-time tenure this week to spend more time on his global health charity. >> He figured out how to stop viruses in computers, now he will try it on people.

Let’s hope he starts a charity called: Better haircuts for humanity.

A woman in Florida jumped out of a moving car after having an argument with the man driving.>> Some people will do anything to get out of chipping in for gas.

An inmate broke out of a county jail in Arkansas and left behind a rose made out of toilet paper because he felt sorry for breaking out. >> It was sort of a mixed message though, because he made it from used toilet paper.

Hasn’t this guy learned….never leave a paper trail.

The Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a constitutional right to own guns and struck down a ban on guns in the city of Washington D.C. >> Residents of Washington D.C. were shocked to learn this. There was a ban on guns in D.C.?

In Colorado a charity golf tournament which featured strippers had started while a junior tournament for children was finishing up. Golf course officials apologized and said it was the result of “mistiming.” And Miss-November and Miss-April and Miss-June….

The fathers thought it was perfect timing!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term golf pro.

The only handicap the kids had was that they hadn’t yet reached puberty.

Here’s a clip of Hillary speaking in Unity, New Hampshire with her man Obama at her side. She gets in a good shot at McCain and Bush. It’s a short clip. Only about a minute 44 seconds.

dailynewsjokes June 17th 2008

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Republican John McCain’s campaign said that Barack Obama, when it comes to terrorism, has a September 10th mind set.>> As opposed to the Bush administration’s April 1st mind set.

An investment firm that paid off Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch debt has asked him to play Las Vegas to make up some of the money he owes them. >> For the sake of children everywhere, let’s hope he doesn’t play Circus Circus.

In a court decision a Judge has reduced the trust fund of the late Leona Helmsley’s dog “Trouble” from $12 million to $2 million. >> The dog was so upset it went down to the local bar and drank all night from the toilet.

Colorado has started selling scratch and sniff lottery tickets so that lottery players will know what is smells like to throw their money away.

At an Indiana Wal-Mart someone abandoned a 2-year-old boy. They left the child with a note written in spanish, two baby bottles and a few daipers. >> A note in spanish? At a Wal-Mart? I sure hope they found someone to translate.

A report by the Pew Internet and American Life Project shows that almost 30 percent of adults use the internet to read or watch campaign material. >> the other 70 percent looked at other forms of pornography.

dailynewsjokes June 8th, 2008

Sunday, June 8th, 2008
At the Belmont Stakes on Saturday a huge upset when Big Brown, the favorite and potential triple crown winner, lost and came in dead last. He was so far behind that his margin of defeat wasn’t even charted - which is causing the horse’s owner to consider changing the animal’s name to Dennis Kucinich.
While tearing up their tickets, bettors were overheard refering to the horse as a “Big steaming pile of Brown!”
75 years ago this week the first drive-in movie theatre opened up in Camden New Jersey. That was back in the day when couples could afford to drive to the movies.
Many couples would make-out in the car during the film. That was before “Star Wars,” “Star Trek,” and “Lord of the Rings”…….when men were more interested in their date than the movie.
Hillary Clinton suspended her campaign for the presidency on Saturday and told the crowd that she is now putting her support behind Big Brown. 
An Alabama man was tasered four times by police before they subdued him. He was standing in the road intoxicated and claimed that he can break the handcuffs because he was George Bush and Jesus Christ. >> Why George Bush? If you want to slip out of handcuffs your man is Bill Clinton.
In Colorado, two men known as the thong bandits have turned themselves in to police. They wore woman’s underwear over their heads which barely covered their faces while robbing a convenience store. >> A thong? These two boobs should have worn a bra.