Posts Tagged ‘Fox News’

This is It!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

Barack in Iraq

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

A former pastor in New York City is accused of stealing $84,537 from his parish to pay for plastic surgery, Botox injections and prescription drugs. When he apologizes to parishioners they’ll know he’s not lying when he says he’s a new man.

A fox news columnist is out of a job after he watched an illegal, stolen print of the movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” on the internet and then wrote a review. The early review: The movie is so good its worth losing your job over.

An angry Sikh journalist threw a shoe at India’s top security official after a confrontational exchange during a news conference. That’s just Sikh.

Observers noticed that the Indian security official does have presidential ducking skills.

The journalist mistook the guy for George Bush.

Iraq is becoming more like America every day. Now they’re outsourcing their Journalists duties to India.

President Obama flew unannounced into Iraq on Tuesday and declared it was time for Iraqis to “take responsibility for their country.” after America’s commitment of six years. I’d be careful Iraq. He told the same thing to the CEO of General Motors.

General Motors Corp. and Segway Inc. are working together to develop a two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle. There’s just enough room for you and your caddy.

Country singer Toby Keith is angry at actor Ethan Hawke for an article Hawke wrote about Kris Kristofferson for Rolling Stone magazine. The article describes a blowup between Kristofferson and Toby Keith backstage at a show for Willie Nelson’s 70th birthday. Keith is so angry you’d think Hawke stole his woman, pickup and hound-dog.

A 23-year-old California woman took a curve too fast while driving her bosses Ferrari and flipped the car. She escaped without injury, but did about $125,000 in damages. Here’s a tip. If you want job security. DON’T FLIP YOUR BOSSES FERRARI.

A man in South Dakota was sentenced to probation, a fine and restitution for smearing excrement on a traffic citation he sent to the County Court. Someone needs to tell this guy that’s not the way to “wipe out” a traffic ticket.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday in Las Vegas over the weekend. He was joined by his current and former girlfriends. There were so many that they had to rent out the convention center.

Why would he celebrate in Vegas? Most of his girlfriends aren’t even old enough to get into a casino.

Hef’s new girlfriends are twins. Or as they call them in Vegas. Two pair.

Ellen DeGeneres is “saddened beyond belief”

Friday, November 7th, 2008

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran congratulated Barack Obama on his win. It’s the first time an Iranian leader has done so since 1979. And coincidentally, it was done wearing the same Members Only jacket.

With Obama’s win I guess his “illegal aunt” staying in the country will only be an issue over at Fox News.

A drunk motorist in Alaska was charged with auto theft and has no memory of taking the wrong vehicle from the parking lot of a gentleman’s club. He was disoriented because he thought he saw Russia from his rear-view mirror.

A 45-year-old woman had to be restrained using duct tape on a United Airlines flight from Puerto Rico to Chicago after she became unruly and started fighting with flight attendants. It goes to show you that duct tape can be used to fix anything that’s “cracked.”

A woman jogging in Arizona was attacked by a rabid fox and ran a mile with it clamped on her arm. She ran that last mile doing the “fox trot.”

A Florida couple became among the first to use the name Obama for their child born: Sanjae Obama Fisher on Tuesday night. Thank goodness Obama won. If McCain won the kid’s name would be Sanjae Grandpa Fisher.

Ellen DeGeneres said that she is “saddened beyond belief” by the passage of a constitutional amendment in California banning gay marriage. DeGeneres may be bi-polar. It’s difficult being both “saddened beyond belief” and “gay beyond belief” at the same time.

A handwritten copy of the 1864 speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the White House after being re-elected is being auctioned by Christie’s in NY. When President Bush heard it was handwritten he wondered why Lincoln didn’t use a computer.

Hillary Clinton Won’t Run!

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

In an interview with Fox News - Hillary Clinton says her chances of running for president again are “Probably close to zero.” Translation: She hasn’t yet chosen a design for the “Hillary 2012″ bumper sticker.

In an interview with Fox News - Hillary Clinton says her chances of running for president again are “Probably close to zero.” You know - The same as her chances of ever again sleeping with Bill.

The National Basketball Association is laying off nine percent of its work force over worries about the U.S. economy. The lay-offs will be unnoticeable - just like a Knicks game.

The NBA is laying off workers in the U.S., but is planning to build between 12 and 25 arenas throughout China. When Chinese officials saw the price tag for the stadiums they exclaimed: “Yao Ming!”

In an interview with Essence magazine Star Jones said of her former co- hosts on “The View” that “Those girls were hateful.” Isn’t that the reason people tune in? Have you seen this bunch? I doubt people are tuning in for the “View.”

PepsiCo Inc. announced it plans to eliminate 3,300 jobs globally and has reported a 9.5 percent drop in third-quarter profit. What’s Pepsi doing with the money? Pissing it away?