Posts Tagged ‘France’

World Series of floozies

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

Bernard Madoff’s a real doll

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Hi folks. Just a note. I know that my posting schedule is a bit haphazard. I’ll try to publish three posts per week. Unfortunately, I don’t know on which days I’ll post so I hope you all check back.

If anyone has any comments or questions it is probably best to use the e-mail address above for questions and the comments link below for legitimate comments. I get so much spam that it’s difficult to weed out the legitimate comments from the junk. So, if you really have a question use the e-mail. Thanks, and here’s today’s compost….I mean post, post.. today’s jokes.

Microsoft Corp. announced plans to open its own stores despite the economic downturn. People can now go “windows” shopping.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll for $99.95. It wears a devil-red suit, carries a pitchfork and comes with a hammer so you can pulverize it. The hammer can also be used on yourself for paying a hundred bucks on a Bernard Madoff doll.

At a toy fair in New York there’s a Bernard Madoff lookalike doll. It’s so authentic that it has already bilked millions from G.I. Joe and Barbie.

The FAA has received reports of falling debris across Texas. Some callers reported what looked like a fireball in the sky. Didn’t Nostradamus predict this about George W. Bush’s return to Texas?

A new poll by C-Span of presidential historians rank Abraham Lincoln as the best president, George Washington as #2 and George W. Bush comes in at #36. I don’t care what anyone says. To me George W. Bush will always be the “number two” president.

Both Britain and France have acknowledged that nuclear-armed submarines from their countries have collided with each other in the Atlantic. Yikes! I see England, I see France, their navies lack dry underpants.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. The other option, for success, is to change their name to Hyundai.

For receiving billions in federal loans, General Motors Corp needs to present a viability plan to the U.S. government by Tuesday. One option they’re considering is bankruptcy. Why not, they’ve already borrowed enough for a real good bankruptcy lawyer.

Scientists found that toddlers who could convey meaning by pointing, waving bye-bye and gesturing at the age 14 months went on to have a richer vocabulary. That’s at 14 months. At 14 years the gestures mean a whole different thing.

dailynewsjokes for June 5, 2008

Thursday, June 5th, 2008
New York Senator Hillary Clinton plans to drop out of the presidential race on Friday and cede the Democratic nomination to Illinois Senator Barack Obama.>> On Friday……the first Friday in November.
In Japan, a homeless woman sneaked into a man’s house and lived there undetected for a year. He became suspicious when food mysteriously began disappearing. >> Typical guy. But, if beer had mysteriously disappeared she would have been caught much sooner.
A fire at Universal Studios in California destroyed famous back-lot sets including one from “Back to the Future.” Also destroyed was a King Kong exhibit and 40 - 50thousand videos and films stored in a vault. >> Out of habit a Film Director shouted: cut! But the fire didn’t stop.
Studio tours have resumed since the fire and the new tour bus is now a fire truck.
In France a judge agreed to annul the marriage of a Muslim couple when the new husband discovered that the wife was not a virgin. >> The husband got suspicious when on the honymoon night she asked for the money up front.
Clay Aiken is expecting a child with music producer Jaymes Foster this summer. The baby is due in August and was conceived via artificial insemination. >> The mother is so happy she’s glowing and Aiken is so happy he’s flaming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

dailynewsjokes January 3, 2008

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

For the second year in a row a Gettysburg Pennsylvania couple have welcomed the first child of the new year at the local hospital. >> This couple really puts a lot of planning into their New Years Eve Party exit strategy.

A teenager trying to sneek into a North African Spanish enclave from Morocco was caught by police after they found him hiding in the gas tank of a car.>> I was wondering what’s happened to Sanjaya.

Netfilx and LG Electronics are working to develop a set-top box that can stream movies over the internet directly to a TV screen. >> You can download HBO on AOL to your CPU - or just watch P.O.R.N.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck will return to ABC’s “The View” on Monday and will bring her new born son. >> I hope she also brings a new attitude, personality, opinion, voice…….

France has banned smoking in cafes, restaurants and night spots. >> Rudeness is still acceptable.

A McDonald’s worker found an envelope containing a $185,000 check, returned it to it’s owner and was rewarded with a $50 bill. >> The name on the checking account: cheap bastard.

A New Jersey legislative committee is considering a measure that would make New Jersey the first northern state to apologize for slavery.>> This only perpetuates the image of New Jersey as a “sorry” state.