Posts Tagged ‘HBO’

Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

New Rules with Bill Maher

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

Here’s a clip from Real Time with Bill Maher. This is from Friday nights show - April 24, 2009. This is the bit he does every week called “New Rules.”

The New Yorker’s got Obama “covered”

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

New Yorker magazines latest cover shows an illistration of Barack Obama wearing sandals, robe and a turban. His wife, Michelle, dressed in camouflage, combat boots and an assault rifle strapped over her shoulder. They’re in the Oval Office fist tapping in front of a burning American flag in the fireplace and Over the mantel hangs a portrait of Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the artists didn’t know that there was ink in his pen.

Afterward, Obama threw a copy of the New Yorker in the fireplace.

When did Jesse Jackson learn how to draw?

Anheuser Busch Cos. has agreed to a $52 billion takeover from Belgian brewer InBev, creating the world’s largest brewer. The new owners will keep the Budweiser brand as-is except in Europe they may have to call Bud Light what it really is: Purified drinking water.

Anheuser Busch waffled on this Belgian deal for a long time, but, looking back, as most deals that invlove beer - it went through quickly and was over in a whiz.

Zoologists in Australia think that Tasmanian Devils are breeding at younger ages because of an epidemic of cancer that cuts their lives short. In America, teens are breeding at younger ages which cuts their parents lives short.

This is now the second leading cause of death for the Tasmanian Devil right behind “sudden falling anvil syndrome.”

Apple Inc. sold 1 million of their new iPhone 3G in the first three days. Which will be re-sold on e-bay in the following three days.

In the past year nearly 400 cast iron manhole covers have been taken from the streets in Flint Michigan and probably sold for scrap. Talk about falling into a life of crime.

A Florida woman allegedly hit her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking cocain. Also, she was fed up with his leaving the seat up so she put it down….on his head. Afterwards…. he felt like crap.

A woman in Wisconsin is accused of planting a dead rat in restaurant food - then demanding $500,000 to keep quiet. She may have been a bit obvious by ordering “organic ratatouille.”

HBO and Warner Brothers are working together to develope a sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie. Thanks for the heads-up, this gives men plenty of time to work on excuses to get out of going to see it with their wives

During the Olympics dog meat has been struck from the menus of officially designated Olympic restaurants in Beijing. Whatever you do, don’t ask for a doggie bag.

dailynewsjokes January 3, 2008

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

For the second year in a row a Gettysburg Pennsylvania couple have welcomed the first child of the new year at the local hospital. >> This couple really puts a lot of planning into their New Years Eve Party exit strategy.

A teenager trying to sneek into a North African Spanish enclave from Morocco was caught by police after they found him hiding in the gas tank of a car.>> I was wondering what’s happened to Sanjaya.

Netfilx and LG Electronics are working to develop a set-top box that can stream movies over the internet directly to a TV screen. >> You can download HBO on AOL to your CPU - or just watch P.O.R.N.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck will return to ABC’s “The View” on Monday and will bring her new born son. >> I hope she also brings a new attitude, personality, opinion, voice…….

France has banned smoking in cafes, restaurants and night spots. >> Rudeness is still acceptable.

A McDonald’s worker found an envelope containing a $185,000 check, returned it to it’s owner and was rewarded with a $50 bill. >> The name on the checking account: cheap bastard.

A New Jersey legislative committee is considering a measure that would make New Jersey the first northern state to apologize for slavery.>> This only perpetuates the image of New Jersey as a “sorry” state.