Posts Tagged ‘Iraq’

A Chicken Empathy Museum. Really?

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was freed from prison this week. Turns out that throwing shoes at a President is the Iraqi way of saying “You Lie!”

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. There will be an entire wing dedicated to just the wing.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. Also a dead giveaway was the fact that he was making the siren noise with his mouth.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. The baseball cards in his tires were also a dead giveaway.

Police in Michigan tasered a 45-year-old man after he fired his shotgun and pointed it at neighbors in a dispute over them spreading manure on their farm. Ater being tased he was covered in his own manure

New research in Britain has found that children with emotional difficulties have a greater risk of becoming obese in adulthood. Great! Now they can look forward to being fat and crazy.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is probably over. Unfortunately, he was talking about his hairline. The economy is screwed.

An 11-year-old Alabama boy faked his own kidnapping to avoid bringing home a bad report card. His parents are no angels either. To rectify the kid’s bad grades they kidnapped a tutor.

A 44-year-old couple in Kansas climbed into a dumpster to be alone and were robbed by knife-point while in “an intimate moment.” I’m not sure, does that qualify as a crime of passion?

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. British people are upset. They feel they’re getting “Scrooged.”

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. Health care may have to be cut back. They already cut the dental plan years ago.

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. I think guys everywhere empathize with the chicken, even though they choke one once in a while.

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Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

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Barack in Iraq

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

A former pastor in New York City is accused of stealing $84,537 from his parish to pay for plastic surgery, Botox injections and prescription drugs. When he apologizes to parishioners they’ll know he’s not lying when he says he’s a new man.

A fox news columnist is out of a job after he watched an illegal, stolen print of the movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” on the internet and then wrote a review. The early review: The movie is so good its worth losing your job over.

An angry Sikh journalist threw a shoe at India’s top security official after a confrontational exchange during a news conference. That’s just Sikh.

Observers noticed that the Indian security official does have presidential ducking skills.

The journalist mistook the guy for George Bush.

Iraq is becoming more like America every day. Now they’re outsourcing their Journalists duties to India.

President Obama flew unannounced into Iraq on Tuesday and declared it was time for Iraqis to “take responsibility for their country.” after America’s commitment of six years. I’d be careful Iraq. He told the same thing to the CEO of General Motors.

General Motors Corp. and Segway Inc. are working together to develop a two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle. There’s just enough room for you and your caddy.

Country singer Toby Keith is angry at actor Ethan Hawke for an article Hawke wrote about Kris Kristofferson for Rolling Stone magazine. The article describes a blowup between Kristofferson and Toby Keith backstage at a show for Willie Nelson’s 70th birthday. Keith is so angry you’d think Hawke stole his woman, pickup and hound-dog.

A 23-year-old California woman took a curve too fast while driving her bosses Ferrari and flipped the car. She escaped without injury, but did about $125,000 in damages. Here’s a tip. If you want job security. DON’T FLIP YOUR BOSSES FERRARI.

A man in South Dakota was sentenced to probation, a fine and restitution for smearing excrement on a traffic citation he sent to the County Court. Someone needs to tell this guy that’s not the way to “wipe out” a traffic ticket.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday in Las Vegas over the weekend. He was joined by his current and former girlfriends. There were so many that they had to rent out the convention center.

Why would he celebrate in Vegas? Most of his girlfriends aren’t even old enough to get into a casino.

Hef’s new girlfriends are twins. Or as they call them in Vegas. Two pair.

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Bush gets the Boot in Iraq

Monday, December 15th, 2008

President Bush had to duck two shoes thrown at him by a journalist in Iraq during a press conference. Reports out of Iraq say that there is no damage and the shoes will be okay.

President Bush had to duck two shoes thrown at him by a journalist in Iraq during a press conference. Finally, Bush found their Weapons of Mass Destruction.

A pizza delivery man in Florida used a pepperoni pizza as a weapon to fight off a gunman who tried to rob him at gunpoint. Usually a pepperoni pizza is used as a weapon after it’s eaten.

An Indiana woman could not start her car because a chipmunk had used her engine compartment to store nuts. Why would the chipmunk use the engine compartment to store crazy people?

He was just trying to keep his nuts warm.

That’s cute, a chipmunk squirreling away nuts.

A man in a suburban New York was sentenced and put on probation after he showed up at a doughnut shop drive-through without wearing pants. What’s real disturbing is how he wanted the clerk to “stack” the doughnuts.

A 50-year-old-man in Minnesota sprayed a group of teenagers with fox urine because they were going to toilet-paper and egg his house during homecoming week. That’s one way to piss ‘em off.

A woman in Tennessee found a bag containing $97,000 in a Cracker Barrel restroom. She took the money home, but later returned and it was claimed by the rightful owner. I take back the statement that you couldn’t pay me to eat in a Cracker Barrel.

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Britney Towed, Iraq Snowed, “Nano” Showed

Friday, January 11th, 2008

Britney Spears car was towed Monday night after she got a flat tire and left the vehicle on Sunset Boulevard. >> The car blocked traffic and prevented “Dr Phil” from getting to Britney.

2004 Democratic presidential nominee and Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry, has endorsed Barack Obama for the White house. >> If the ”Kerry curse” kicks in it will only be a matter of time before Obama is overheard yelling: “Don’t taze me bro.”

Tata Motors, of India, introduced a new car called the “Nano” at the country’s car show. It’s a subcompact that will sell for $2,500. >> Batteries not included.

In Sydney Australia a 64 year old man lay dead in his apartment for a year before the body was discovered. >> Sadly, when he died he was in the middle of writing his “Bucket List.”

It’s reported that about a dozen campaign staffers for Rudy Giuliani are working without pay in January - which may be a sign of money trouble for Giuliani’s campaign. >> When the workers ask for their checks, Giuliani conveniently gets interrupted by a call from his wife.

Giuliani’s workers get a salary every two weeks of: $911

A morning snow flurry hit Baghdad on Friday. This is the first time in memory that snow has fallen in the region. > If weather conditions get any worse, President Bush may send in Al Roker.

In England, a court annulled the marriage of a couple after it was discovered they were twins - brother and sister - and were separated at birth. >> They got along famously and now they’re famous for “getting along.”

They were so in tune with each other that the man would roll over in bed and say: “Not tonight you have a headache.”

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