Posts Tagged ‘Jay Leno’

World Series of floozies

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

Jay Leno, he’ll be back!

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

Sorry the posts are so behind. Been working long hours to pay the bills. I’ll be back soon. In the meantime here is a clip of some bloopers and fun moments from The Tonight Show. This is from last week. Jay will be back in the fall with a brand new show. Hurry back Jay.

For Weddings and Funerals

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Wanted to take a moment and thank the guys over at The New York Times blog “Laugh Lines.” They have published many of Doug Austen’s jokes over the past few weeks. It’s so nice to get recognition and have jokes appear next to material from Jay Leno and Dave Letterman. Thanks.

It’s a fun site. Here is the link: “Laugh Lines”

On ABC’s “Good Morning America” former president Clinton said that Barack Obama should talk more optimistically about the nation’s economic recovery. And added, “Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending Hillary to Asia.”

Here’s a more Conservative version:

On ABC’s “Good Morning America” former president Clinton said that Barack Obama should talk more optimistically about the nation’s economic recovery. And, to repair the image of the United States, the Secretary of State should continually travel outside the country.

The New York Post apologized for a cartoon that caused many people to protest because some have interpreted it as comparing the President to a chimpanzee. If this comparison had occurred when Bush was president the chimps would be protesting.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. Guests were disappointed. They were expecting an open bar, not an open casket.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. That is one really bad wedding planner.

An elderly couple in Idaho got married on Valentines day at a Funeral Home. This was the first wedding to be announced in the obituary column.

A 20-year-old woman in Kansas City Missouri was shot by her ex-boyfriend and the bullet ended up tangled in her hair weave. Talk about a bad hair day!

Or maybe it was a really good hair day!

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Bush struck a defiant tone at his trial and did not apologize. He’s being a real heel.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Sorry again folks. I’ll have some jokes up late tonight or very early tomorrow, but until then l’ll let the master entertainer do his thing. Here’s a short version of Jay Leno’s monologue from last night. It only runs about two minutes and 45 seconds. This monologue has some good sight gags as well as the usual verbal wit. So, if you didn’t catch it last night…..take a look.

Jay Leno

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

Hi folks. I’m a bit busy this week and the jokes may be slow. Sorry; though Doug Austen did get two good lines in over at NY Times Laugh Lines today. Hope to have a new joke post up tomorrow. In the meantime Here is a trimmed down monologue from last Friday’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It runs about a minute 44 seconds. I have a story about when I met Jay that I may post here some day. For now I’ll just say I think he’s a very nice man and a master at telling these topical monologues.

Batman raises a wing to his Sister and Mother

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

Two California men are behind bars for setting their drinking buddy’s crotch on fire after he passed out. The guy had second degree burns on his testicles and first degree burns on his dignity. Ouch!

The song playing at the time: “Great Balls of Fire.”

Film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper are leaving the TV show “At the Movies.” There should be a reality show about going to the movies called: “At the Movies With the Guy Behind Me - Kicking My Seat and Talking on His Cell Phone.”

Film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper are leaving the TV show “At the Movies.” In a sense they’re giving their own show a “Thumbs down.”

NBC has announced that Jay Leno’s last night as host of the Tonight Show will be May 29, 2009 and Conan O’Brien will take over two nights later. It’s official, beginning June 1st “NBC” will stand for: “Never Been Crappier.”

Government inspectors have issued a salmonella warning for fresh jalapenos. So nix the jalapenos, tomatoes are vine.

WARNING! CORNY PUNS AHEAD:
A health spa in Virginia uses fish pedicures to rid feet of dead skin. Customers dunk their feet in a tank of water and let tiny carp nibble at them. This is treatment for people suffering from “carp-pool toenail syndrome.”

One carp said to the other: “Oh, toe-food.”

The other carp said: “Tastes like chicken.”
________________

One Carp said: “I like my people broiled or baked.”

Another carp replied: “Why? Don’t you eat sushi?”

John MCcain’s presidential campaign submitted an op-ed article to The New York Times written by MCcain, but they didn’t print it. This proves McCain’s statement about The Times being tough.

Batman star Christian Bale has been arrested in London on allegations that he assaulted his mother and sister. He suddenly went Batty.

dailynewsjokes video vault

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

Yesterday I posted a little video that is a spoof on the cult horror film “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” Here is the theatrical trailer to that film. I probably should have posted the trailer first or alongside the spoof in case some of you are not familiar with the film.

The 1994 Tim Burton movie “Ed Wood” is based on the life of the man who directed “Plan 9.” Mr. Wood also directed such memorable bad films as: “Glen or Glenda” and “Bride of the Monster.” The best way to describe these films is with an old Jay Leno joke: “Ebert and Roeper give this film two thumbs……..in their eyes!”

Roger Clemens on 60 Minutes, Jay Leno on Jimmy Kimmel, Monkeys on each other

Monday, January 7th, 2008

Seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens was interviewed by Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes”  and denies ever being injected with steroids. >> Another substance he’s never been injected with: truth serum.

A computer technician in a rental car was relying on the vehicles’ GPS system which guided him onto train tracks where the car got stuck and was demolished by an oncoming train. >> What we need is a GPS system that will give directions to a store that sells roadmaps.

Due to trouble booking guests as a result of the writers strike Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel will appear on each others shows this Thursday. >> This will answer America’s question: “Who is Jimmy Kimmel?”

A new study says that male macaque monkeys pay for sex by grooming females. >> You gotta primp if you want that chimp.

The International Tennis Federation has banned Martina Hingis for two years after testing positive for cocaine. >> Well, if she really is on cocaine the two years will fly by in no time.

ESPN’s Ultimate Couch Potato Competition in NY was won by a Manhattan librarian who watched 29 straight hours of sports viewing. >>He was going to sit it out, but decided to enter by sitting it out.

The mayor of Oklahoma City has challenged the city to shed one million pounds as its New Year’s resolution. >> Tulsa opted to just wear black and vertical stripes.

On Dec. 22 - two cleaning woman in a Chicago suburb were trapped inside an elevator for two days. >> After being rescued - they got out, looked around and then muttered “This isn’t our floor.”

A man in England extinguished a kitchen grease fire by wetting a pair of his aunt’s XL underwear and throwing it on the fire. >> This is the first time in years she’s had a man start a fire in her panties.