Posts Tagged ‘Kentucky’

This is It!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

Smithsonian Wants Aretha’s Hat

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

The country’s mid section was hit by terrible cold weather and ice storms. In Kentucky, half a million homes were without electricity….and then the storm hit.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps is seen smoking marijuana in a photo published by a British newspaper. Phelps learned a valuable lesson. Never accept “gold” from Amy Winehouse.

The Smithsonian Institution museum is requesting the hat that Aretha Franklin wore while singing at Obama’s swearing in. They want to place it next to other iconic political memorabilia like Bill Clinton’s pants.

The inauguration of Barack Obama was such a huge event. If the Smithsonian is requesting Aretha’s hat, Joe Biden’s worried they may ask for his hair.

A 17-year-old boy in upstate New York dressed as a girl to take a high school Regents exam in place of another student. School officials don’t want to comment, but after observing the student his grades could go either way.

Birmingham, England has decided to drop apostrophes from all its street signs, saying they’re confusing and old-fashioned. I hope this plan works out better than the time they decided to drop floss.

Computer users on Saturday morning who did Google searches got an erroneous message on every site saying “This site may harm your computer.” And guys doing searches got an additional message saying: “This site may harm your marriage.”

Home Depot cuts Jobs

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Home Depot Inc. plans to cut 7,000 jobs and close four dozen stores. They’ll cut the jobs as soon as they locate what isle the employees are hiding on.

A new federal study has found that Kentucky and West Virginia have the highest death rates from smoking. In related news, neighboring states of Virginia and Tennessee have the highest rates of second-hand smoke deaths.

There are reports that Paul McCartney may be getting married to a New York socialite. Paul’s children approve so it sounds like this one has both feet planted firmly on the ground.

A reptile at a museum in New Zealand has become a father at the age of 111 years old. He had become useful for breeding after a cancerous tumor was removed from his genitals and cured his reptile dysfunction.