Posts Tagged ‘Louisiana’

Things aint so Rosie

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a “healthy kids fair” on the South Lawn of the White House. During the event the first lady did 142 swivels with a hula hoop. It’s the same hoop that Republicans are making Barack jump through to get health care passed.

The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for federal gator aid.

Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of banks, big business and the auto industry…that’s a croc.

The economic recession is hurting the American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. See you later…..industry of alligator.

A cat rode two miles in New York City stuck in the engine compartment of an SUV. The police emergency unit was called and removed the cat safely. So 9-lives beat out a V-8.

It’s been reported that Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter may be on the rocks. Rumors that Kelli got in a balloon and flew away are not true.

Actually it wasn’t a balloon, that was Rosie.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting money to pay an exotic dancer. A taxi driver noticed the $50 bills looked odd and were not trimmed evenly. The exotic dancer looked odd and was not trimmed evenly either.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Sadly, with today’s economy, the counterfeit bills have the same value as real bills.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Phony money for phony boobs.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You know global warming is bad when bears are hiding out in the beer cooler at Ralph’s.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You just know some drunk is going to rent a bear suit and try that.

Toyota is experimenting with joystick controls for a new breed of compact cars and transporters. This may cut down on crashes. Men may take their hands off a wheel, but never off their joystick.

A Chicken Empathy Museum. Really?

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was freed from prison this week. Turns out that throwing shoes at a President is the Iraqi way of saying “You Lie!”

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. There will be an entire wing dedicated to just the wing.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. Also a dead giveaway was the fact that he was making the siren noise with his mouth.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. The baseball cards in his tires were also a dead giveaway.

Police in Michigan tasered a 45-year-old man after he fired his shotgun and pointed it at neighbors in a dispute over them spreading manure on their farm. Ater being tased he was covered in his own manure

New research in Britain has found that children with emotional difficulties have a greater risk of becoming obese in adulthood. Great! Now they can look forward to being fat and crazy.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is probably over. Unfortunately, he was talking about his hairline. The economy is screwed.

An 11-year-old Alabama boy faked his own kidnapping to avoid bringing home a bad report card. His parents are no angels either. To rectify the kid’s bad grades they kidnapped a tutor.

A 44-year-old couple in Kansas climbed into a dumpster to be alone and were robbed by knife-point while in “an intimate moment.” I’m not sure, does that qualify as a crime of passion?

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. British people are upset. They feel they’re getting “Scrooged.”

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. Health care may have to be cut back. They already cut the dental plan years ago.

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. I think guys everywhere empathize with the chicken, even though they choke one once in a while.

Dr. Pepper Makes good…

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, Benji Madden of the band Good Charlotte, have broken up after nine months. That’s a long time. Usually her guy cuts out right after the video is shot.

Soft-drink maker Dr Pepper is making good on the promise of giving everyone in America a free soda if the band Guns N’ Roses released their new album by the end of 2008. This is part of the Democrats’ new health care plan where all Americans get a doctor.

A man’s life was saved in Louisiana from a stray bullet when it hit the cell phone in his breast pocket while mowing the lawn. It’s part of the new T-mobile friends and family that want to kill you plan.

Sarah Palin granted the traditional Thanksgiving pardon to a turkey at an Alaska slaughter house. But, in the back round of the video workers can be seen slaughtering birds. She can relate because during the campaign, Palin was a battered Turkey.

Sarah Palin granted the traditional Thanksgiving pardon to a turkey. She was confused why she was pardoning a country….or a continent?

In Amsterdam, Netherlands they will close almost a fifth of its marijuana cafes to comply with a national ban on having them near schools. They can’t be too near schools because it’ll be direct competition with the teacher’s lounge.

HJ Heinz Co. and J.M. Smucker Co. posted higher earnings Friday and said they’re benefiting from price increases and the trend of more people eating at home. More people are eating from a cardboard box at home because they’re home is a cardboard box.

The U.S. military is planning to design flying robots disguised as insects that are capable of flying undetected into buildings and photograph, record and even attack insurgents and terrorists. In the future when a spy “bugs” a room he really will bug a room.