Posts Tagged ‘Massachusetts’

Steven Seagal, Lawman. Goober, Action Star

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. I’ll try to get back to posting jokes two or three times per week. Hopefully there is still somebody out there looking at this site, thanks for hanging in there. I’m a little rusty, but…

Action movie star Steven Seagal has a new reality show on A&E. It takes place in a small Louisiana town where Seagal is a deputy sheriff. This is what A&E considers art and entertainment? Steven Seagal as Barney Fife?

One film that has not done well at the box office is “The Men Who Stare at Goats.” Why would anyone make a movie about a bunch of guys sitting around watching The View.

A woman in Massachusetts says the face of Jesus Christ has appeared on her iron and is a message that “life is going to be good.” Or it also could be a message from Jesus to get that red-hot iron off of his face!

The Warsaw zoo has had two live humans wearing animal skins on display in a cage to spark interest in man’s caveman ancestry. It also teaches the locals how to save a bunch of money on their car insurance.

A German tourist has been arrested at Disney-world for telling an employee he had two bombs in his back pack. As punishment they made him sit through the “It’s a Small world After all” ride over and over ….

Alec Baldwin says he is ready to retire from acting and told Men’s Journal that “I don’t have any interest in acting anymore.” Now if he can only get brothers Stephen, Daniel and Billy to join the club.

Cockpit tapes of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot the Minneapolis airport have been released. They’ll be available on CD for Christmas in a black-box set.

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Vic Mizzy RIP

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Songwriter Vic Mizzy who composed the theme song for the 1960’s sit-com “Green Acres,” has died at 93. He wants to be buried in the country, but his wife wants him buried in the city.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. That’s embarrassing, though in their defense it is a pubic thread.

A Massachusetts man went on a test drive with a Honda car salesman for more than 1,000 miles because the man refused to turn back. The guy was smart. He took a Japanese car. An American car wouldn’t have gone 1,000 miles.

The White house says that it will continue to book officials on Fox News even though they feel the network is a mouthpiece for the Republican party. Don’t confuse that with Rush Limbaugh. He’s the Republican bigmouth-piece.

Switzerland’s top criminal court rejected Roman Polanski’s appeal to be released from prison. And they definitely rejected his request of conjugal visits.

Pope Benedict has taken steps to make it easier for disaffected Anglicans to convert to Roman Catholicism. As an incentive, he’s offering converts a free ride in the Pope-mobile.

In a new study, scientists removed pheromones from fruit flies. The results caused male flies to be attracted to males. The technical term was that they can now fly both ways.

A new poll says that 57 percent of Americans support the government in creating a new health insurance plan to compete with private health insurance plans. The other 43 percent are Republicans.

Apple Inc’s sales and profits hit quarterly records which sent its stock to an all-time high. They have an app for that.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. Also, it was discovered that the museum’s dinosaur skeletons are actually constructed of Milk Bones.

A white justice of the peace in Louisiana refused to issue a marriage license earlier this month to a white woman and a black man. He won’t even allow guests at weddings to throw brown rice.

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Be careful with the bladder splatter

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. You don’t want to know how he celebrated when he turned 69.

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. And getting up 95 times a night to pee.

President and Michelle Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary. He did 17 years with Michelle, can he do more than 4 years with Americans?

A Japanese airline has started asking passengers to use the toilet before boarding to reduce aircraft weight. Guys, be careful with your aim, remember you have to take those shoes off to go through security.

Burger King plans to overhaul its 12,000 locations worldwide with a new look. The interior will have rotating red flame chandeliers, TV-screen menus and corrugated metal and brick walls. But, don’t worry, the food will still suck.

A study shows that birth control pills may be taking human evolution in a new direction. It may affect choice of mates in a way that could hinder successful reproduction in the future. Isn’t that the whole point behind birth control pills? To hinder successful reproduction.

Maybe the parents of the people who conducted this study should have thought about birth control pills.

A couple in Massachusetts upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of the children in line. One thing KFC will not tolerate is “fowl language.”

An Ohio couple got married last weekend both dressed as vampires. The groom arrived in a coffin inside a hearse and the coffin was carried to the alter by six pallbearers. I hear they have plans to Honeymoon on the coast. Probably Cape Odd.

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Career choices: Professional Eater or Topical Cream Tester

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Professional eater “Humble Bob” Shoudt from Pennsylvania won the 2009 World Burrito eating championship at the New Mexico State Fair by eating 33 1/2 burritos in 10 minutes. He then went directly on to win the “pull my finger” championship.

Reality TV star Khloe Kardashian will marry NBA player Lamar Odom on Sunday. Since it’s a Kardashian, they’re registered at Bed Bath and Behind.

A white police officer in Philadelphia was ordered by a superior to get a haircut after he came to work with his hair in cornrows. That’s the difference between black guys and white. A black guy would never try to look like a white guy. You don’t see black guys walking around with a bad comb-over.

Sony and Panasonic say they will release 3-D televisions in 2010. 3-D programming will be available in 2020.

A postal worker in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to stealing more than 30,000 DVDs that were mailed by Netflix to customers. Nothing stopped the guy from stealing. Neither rain, nor sleet nor gloom of night….

An intruder was held at gunpoint by a 91-year-old naked man in Florida. He kept the intruder in his yard until police arrived. It’s the first time in Florida history that a senior citizen actually wanted someone to stay on his lawn.

Researchers report that a topical cream for erectile dysfunction shows promise in animal testing and could become an alternative to erectile dysfunction drugs. Topical cream is an alternative to erectile dysfunction drugs.

General Motors will operate some of its factories in the mid-west at 24-hour shifts to make up for lost production last year. This new incentive is called cash for workers making clunkers.

A severed human hand has been unearthed from the yard of a Maryland home. A previous owner of the home had taken the hand home as a souvenir while a medical student more than 50 years ago. Who takes a hand as a souvenir? How about taking a test tube or a beaker? But a human body part? Did this guy attend the Boris Karloff school of medicine?

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Warning, todays post a bit naughty

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

Iranian scientists have cloned a goat and say that it will help them produce medicine to be used to treat people who have had strokes. That must be one damn clever goat.

“Cloning the goat.” I think that phrase may actually a euphemism for “boning the goat.”

A 20-year-old woman in Colorado wrapped her boyfriends dog in packing tape and stuck it upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn’t get rid of it. If a girlfriend taped my dog to the refrigerator door I know which bitch I’d get rid of.

Maybe she was trying to make a doggie door.

A driving instructor in Massachusetts was drunk while giving a driving lesson and will lose his license for a year. He won’t be allowed in a vehicle without a designated driving instructor.

With the help of a 911 operator a Michigan man delivered his wife’s baby. He told the dispatcher he didn’t know the wife was pregnant and thought her weight gain was because they had recently quit smoking. Ladies, and you thought your husband didn’t pay attention to you…

The weight gain was due to poking, not smoking.

To stop smoking many people use the patch, not the snatch.

A man by the name of Perry Mason in Houston, who is not an attorney, tried to solicit former jail inmates as clients for a local attorney. He was arrested by a man named Joe Friday, who is not a cop…..

A Brazilian city plans to perform vasectomies on 25 wild, urban-dwelling monkeys to keep their population in check and control disease. They had to resort to this because the sale of tiny little condoms just didn’t work out.

Don’t worry monkeys, you can always adopt.

A Wisconsin health care provider called a nurse out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. Scalpel, suture, pink slip.

The second-largest U.S. mall owner has declared bankruptcy. It is the biggest real estate failure in U.S. history. You know what you call a Mall food court worker that doesn’t have a job? A Cinnabum.

New Movie: Paul Blart: Out of Work Mall cop.

Two Domino’s Pizza workers were fired for making a video showing one worker stuffing cheese up his nose while preparing sandwiches. The pair posted the video on YouTube. If your order has 30 or more nostril hairs it’s free.

New idea for a topping: mucinex with a side of Kleenex.

If you call for delivery the order is guaranteed snot…I mean hot, guaranteed hot, hot.

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dailynewsjokes, July 16, 2008

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

Elton John is to perform his first ever concert in Vermont. In his honor, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has made a new flavor called “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road.” Before he realized it is a brand of ice cream, Elton John got excited when he heard that he was going to be honored with a Ben and Jerry.

If they really wanted to please him they should have produced it in popsicle form.

Former co-star of the TV sitcom “NewsRadio,” Andy Dick, has been arrested in California for investgation of drug use and sexual battery. Or as Andy Dick calls it……Tuesday.

The Massachusetts state Senate voted to repeal a 1913 law used to bar out-of-state gay couples from marrying in the state. Their Motto: Whether your name is Carrie or Harry come to Massachusetts and you can marry Larry.

A black bear broke into a Colorado Springs Circuit City store where surveillance cameras recorded its every move. The bear heard they were having a honey of a sale.

The bear looked around for a clerk, rang the bell and when nobody showed up it left.

In Russia, 30 people had their vision damaged by lasers at a music festival. What was the name of it? “the retina, schmetna festival?”

Out of habit, 28 of the 30 confessed.

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