Posts Tagged ‘Michael Jackson’

This is It!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

The Internet turns 40

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

The internet turns 40-year-old. It started Sept. 2, 1969 at the University of California when two bulky computers passed meaningless test data through a 15-foot cable. In 1969 that was cutting edge technology. In 1999 that was AOL technology.

The movie “The Final Destination” was #1 at theaters last weekend. On TV it was known as Ted Kennedy’s funeral.

Come on, I like Ted Kennedy, it’s just a joke.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That’s not speed dating. That’s dating a guy on speed.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. She promised herself she would not let him get away with that on their second date.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That’s a guys way of saying he’s just not that into you.

Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania after she condemned the widespread discrimination against Gypsies. When she heard booing, for a second, Madonna thought somebody was showing one of her movies on the jumbo tron.

Thousands of Mexicans gathered to break the record for the most people dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” simultaneously in one place. In the original I don’t remember Jackson dancing around a Sombrero.

Thousands of Mexicans gathered to break the record for the most people dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” simultaneously in one place. In the original I don’t remember a pinata full of propofol.

Authorities in Florida have taken more than 400 animals, including sheep, goats, ducks and endangered turtles, from a filthy central Florida home. It’s known as The Crass Menagerie.

Where did I put my Ginkgo?

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

A navel vessel from India sank a suspected pirate “mother ship” and chased two attack boats in the Gulf of Aden. This worked out better than their original plan to disable the pirates’ on-board computer and then ignore their calls to tech support.

Burlington Vermont is America’s healthiest city according to a report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Of course it is. It’s so cold up there nobody comes out of their house to spread the flu.

Michael Jackson’s attorney says that the pop star is too sick to travel to London to testify in a lawsuit. Jackson really doesn’t want to go because he heard they have a Big Ben. He’d be there in a second if they had a little Ben.

The defeat of Alaska Senator Ted Steven’s on his 85th birthday marks the end of an era. He is the longest serving Republican in Senate history. Now from the illegal deck he had built in his back yard in Alaska he can see retirement.

The University of Virginia led a study of the dietary supplement ginkgo and found that it didn’t help prevent dementia and Alzheimer’s disease in the elderly. But, be careful out there, there are now thousands of confused elderly driving around on ginkgo who think they saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

A 44-year-old exotic dancer in Canada is suing a strip club for firing her because she is too old. A 44-year-old stripper? Wait a minute, something smells fishy.

dailynewsjokes June 17th 2008

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Republican John McCain’s campaign said that Barack Obama, when it comes to terrorism, has a September 10th mind set.>> As opposed to the Bush administration’s April 1st mind set.

An investment firm that paid off Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch debt has asked him to play Las Vegas to make up some of the money he owes them. >> For the sake of children everywhere, let’s hope he doesn’t play Circus Circus.

In a court decision a Judge has reduced the trust fund of the late Leona Helmsley’s dog “Trouble” from $12 million to $2 million. >> The dog was so upset it went down to the local bar and drank all night from the toilet.

Colorado has started selling scratch and sniff lottery tickets so that lottery players will know what is smells like to throw their money away.

At an Indiana Wal-Mart someone abandoned a 2-year-old boy. They left the child with a note written in spanish, two baby bottles and a few daipers. >> A note in spanish? At a Wal-Mart? I sure hope they found someone to translate.

A report by the Pew Internet and American Life Project shows that almost 30 percent of adults use the internet to read or watch campaign material. >> the other 70 percent looked at other forms of pornography.