Posts Tagged ‘Michael Vick’

I Can Do Bad Jokes All By Myself

Monday, September 14th, 2009

During President Obama’s speech on health care last Wednesday, S.C. Rep. Joe Wilson shouted out “You lie” Wilson was upset that the plan doesn’t cover Turrets syndrome.

At the box office over the weekend the top movie was “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” It’s the story of South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.

Disney is planning the largest expansion in the history of Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom in Florida. They’re going to double the size of Fantasyland. It will now include Universal Health care and a coherent Paula Abdul.

Two 20-year-old Oklahoma men were arrested in a Walmart after playing a pornographic DVD that was connected to six display televisions. For a few minutes store security had an easy time finding the fathers of children lost in the store.

Police in Oregon used a taser stun gun on an elk so they could cut it free after its antlers had become entangled in a barbed wire fence. They felt so pleased with their good deed that they let the elk run free for a bit before shooting it.

A suburban Philadelphia animal welfare group plans to donate dog food for every time Michael Vick is tackled during Philadelphia’s game against Washington on October 26th. The promotion is called Kibbles for hits.

A woman in North Dakota went home from the hospital with the wrong baby. The mistake was discovered within an hour and was reunited with her child. She may not have found out, if someone hadn’t hung one of those yellow signs in the back of her van that read, “Wrong Baby on Board.”

The Arizona Department of Public Safety says that a driver has amassed $6,700 in fines by speeding. He was captured on speed camera photos wearing either a monkey or giraffe mask. I can’t believe he wore a giraffe mask. Sticking his neck out like that.

The worlds oldest person, Gertrude Baines, has died. She was 115 and lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream. For decades doctors have warned her about that diet. But they all died years ago.

Fox announced that Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on “American Idol.” They’re replacing a judge who said things funny with one that says funny things.

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Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

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“America’s Best Restroom Hall of Fame”….Really?

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

To mark his first 100 days, President Obama gave a speech and took questions from journalists. When Clinton was President it was known as the first 100 dames.

A Japanese video game company has decided not to release a video game based on a Iraq war battle. The game was called: “Six Days in Fallujah.” It may have been too realistic. Once you get into the game you can’t get out.

The New York Yankees slashed prices by up to 50 percent on many of their front-row seats due to lagging ticket sales. When he heard that they were selling seats at 50% off Rod Blagojevich went into a cold sweat.

An Albany, New York arenafootball franchise has offered Michael Vick a contract at $200 per week. That would keep him on a very short leash.

Egypt is slaughtering all the pigs in the country as a precaution against swine flu. They’re jumping right on the problem - they don’t want to be caught in denile….

Pig farmers in Egypt thinks this idea really Sphinx, I mean stinks.

General Motors Corp. says it will force 1,000 to 1,200 underperforming dealers to close their doors and make the remaining outlets more profitable by selling Hondas and Toyotas.

First Lady Michelle Obama is included in People magazine’s 100 most beautiful people issue. And…Joe Biden got an honorable mention in the Hair Club for Men newsletter.

In addition to People magazine, the Somali Pirates voted her most Booty-ful.

The men’s room in the Hermitage Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee was voted America’s best restroom by “America’s Best Restroom Hall of Fame.” The bathroom also made craigslist. Larry Craig’s list.

A deputy sheriff in Florida who has served 21 years with the office has resigned after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joyride. If there is a mother-in-law involved can it technically be called a joy ride?

After President Obama heard this he hid the keys to airforce one.

A 70-year-old man in Florida was arrested after he threw himself on a beach to prevent the county from filling a hole in the white sand with brownish sand. Nobody paid attention. In Florida it’s not unusual to find a 70-year-old buried in a hole with sand in his hair.

Due to the swine flu outbreak, 20th Century Fox has canceled Hugh Jackman’s appearance in Mexico City to promote “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” I bet his appearance would not have been canceled if the film were released by 20th Century Pig.

It seems the only American celebrity able to travel to Mexico is Arnold Ziffel.

Astromomers have spotted a burst of energy from a dying star. The blast was from when the universe was only 630 million years old. The dying star now hosts its own cable talk show and wears suspenders.

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Stallone and Schwarzenegger together, linguists tounge tied

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger will play a small role as himself: California governor, in an upcoming Sylvester Stallone movie. No more details are available because the two are in talks, but nobody can understand what they’re saying.

Former NFL star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month sentence under home confinement because there is no room for him at a halfway house. That lucky dog.

Former NFL star Michael Vick will be allowed to finish his 23-month sentence under home confinement. Vick’s been fined, jailed, ridiculed and the economy has destroyed his 401 K-9.

A new study finds that more people are turning to career development Web sites even if they are still employed. These are the same people who turn to porn sites even when they’re still married.

First lady Michelle Obama tells People magazine that the first family will get a dog in April. They’re looking for a Portuguese Water Dog. Don’t worry, if it’s a puppy it will be a water dog.

The Labor Department reported that mass layoffs in January are up almost 50 percent from the same month last year. The only jobs not laid off are the ones who track layoffs for the Labor Department.

Scientists say that Antarctic glaciers are melting faster than previously thought. It’s a development that could lead to an unprecedented rise in sea levels and the sudden move farther inland by Al Gore.

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, public schools are faced with many unpaid lunch charges. Children, who’s parents fail to pick up the tab, get a cold cheese sandwich, fruit and a milk carton. For the moment, the schools will leave the program alone. It may raise a stink if they cut the cheese program.

A 58-year-old Maryland man stabbed his 19-year-old son in the left buttock because the son would not remove his hat at church. He would have gotten it in the right buttock if he hadn’t turned the other cheek.

Simon Cowell of “American Idol” fame made a tongue-in-cheek remark that he wants to be frozen after death. If he becomes a human Popsicle it will finally make use of that stick up his ass.

Dozens of residents did not want it to open, but a topless coffee shop opened in Maine. Waitresses need the gratuities and customers say the tips are great.

Dozens of residents did not want it to open, but a topless coffee shop opened in Maine. It’s almost full nudity, they have topless waitresses and a bottomless cup of coffee.

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