Posts Tagged ‘Michigan’

Cloudy with a chance of Giant Meatballs

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

A 31-year-old man in Michigan faces charges after stealing an ambulance that had been left idling outside of a hospital emergency room. I don’t think this is what Democrats meant by the Public Option.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in New Hampshire was confirmed by Guinness Book of World Records over the weekend as the maker of the world’s largest meatball. It weighs 222.5 pounds. The previous title holder to the world’s largest meatball - Rush Limbaugh.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. That is, if the male bats have an extra $50 bucks!

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. After hearing this, guys everywhere want to be reincarnated as a Chinese fruit bat.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. And you thought it was bad when they left teeth marks on a neck? Ouch!

Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to their first child last week. It’s a bold move at his age but Mel has always been a “Maverick,” has a “Braveheart” and knows “What Women Want.”

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Really? You didn’t know?…..Instead of guilty, a better plea may be insanity.

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. He also just found out that Madoff’s in prison.

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. This is the new “China Syndrome.”

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. After visiting a prostitiute, they medicate you long time.

A Chicken Empathy Museum. Really?

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was freed from prison this week. Turns out that throwing shoes at a President is the Iraqi way of saying “You Lie!”

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. There will be an entire wing dedicated to just the wing.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. Also a dead giveaway was the fact that he was making the siren noise with his mouth.

A 21-year-old man in Louisiana has been arrested for impersonating an officer after he used a flashing red light on his car to pull over the mayor of Shreveport. The baseball cards in his tires were also a dead giveaway.

Police in Michigan tasered a 45-year-old man after he fired his shotgun and pointed it at neighbors in a dispute over them spreading manure on their farm. Ater being tased he was covered in his own manure

New research in Britain has found that children with emotional difficulties have a greater risk of becoming obese in adulthood. Great! Now they can look forward to being fat and crazy.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is probably over. Unfortunately, he was talking about his hairline. The economy is screwed.

An 11-year-old Alabama boy faked his own kidnapping to avoid bringing home a bad report card. His parents are no angels either. To rectify the kid’s bad grades they kidnapped a tutor.

A 44-year-old couple in Kansas climbed into a dumpster to be alone and were robbed by knife-point while in “an intimate moment.” I’m not sure, does that qualify as a crime of passion?

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. British people are upset. They feel they’re getting “Scrooged.”

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that hard economic times will mean substantial cuts to government spending on public services. Health care may have to be cut back. They already cut the dental plan years ago.

PETA wants to rent a prison building in Virginia and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum. I think guys everywhere empathize with the chicken, even though they choke one once in a while.

The Internet turns 40

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

The internet turns 40-year-old. It started Sept. 2, 1969 at the University of California when two bulky computers passed meaningless test data through a 15-foot cable. In 1969 that was cutting edge technology. In 1999 that was AOL technology.

The movie “The Final Destination” was #1 at theaters last weekend. On TV it was known as Ted Kennedy’s funeral.

Come on, I like Ted Kennedy, it’s just a joke.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That’s not speed dating. That’s dating a guy on speed.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. She promised herself she would not let him get away with that on their second date.

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That’s a guys way of saying he’s just not that into you.

Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania after she condemned the widespread discrimination against Gypsies. When she heard booing, for a second, Madonna thought somebody was showing one of her movies on the jumbo tron.

Thousands of Mexicans gathered to break the record for the most people dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” simultaneously in one place. In the original I don’t remember Jackson dancing around a Sombrero.

Thousands of Mexicans gathered to break the record for the most people dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” simultaneously in one place. In the original I don’t remember a pinata full of propofol.

Authorities in Florida have taken more than 400 animals, including sheep, goats, ducks and endangered turtles, from a filthy central Florida home. It’s known as The Crass Menagerie.

Cape Clod officer

Friday, April 10th, 2009

In an effort to reach out to Jewish voters President Obama is inviting close friends and staff to a private Seder dinner to mark Passover. Jewish women will teach Michelle Obama how to prepare for a traditional Seder dinner: Make reservations.

Bruce Springsteen denies rumors he’s been unfaithful after a New Jersey man, who’s filing for divorce, says his wife “has committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen…at various times and places too numerous to mention.” Maybe Springsteen has been sending subliminal messages and this is that “rising” he’s been singing about.

A woman in New Jersey had someone break into her 2003 Honda S20 and stole the steering wheel, shift knob and front seats. It’s okay. She’s a back-seat driver.

Two Detroit-area men face larceny charges after they tried to steal 1,000 pounds of used restaurant grease. This was just a simulation for the real crime they’re plotting: To kidnap Rush Limbaugh.

A former Cape Cod police officer has agreed to pay victims restitution after he exposed himself and urinated on fans at a Metallica concert. The crowd was pissed!

More like he’s a former Cape Clod officer.

At a Metallica concert this is known as the opening act.

Crowd control begins with bladder control.

A Sheriff’s deputy in Arizona had her nose broken when a woman she was trying to arrest swung a purse that contained a three pound bottle of perfume. This is just another case of perfume attacking the nostrils.

A man in Texas motel room threw a large knife at a friend and then stabbed him in the chest because the friend had a flatulence problem and stunk up the room. This is the first reported case where an “SBD” was actually almost deadly.

A Colorado woman who is a vegetarian and loves tofu wanted to get a personalized license plate that read: “ILVTOFU” but was blocked by The Division of Motor Vehicles. Lindsay Lohan already has that one.

Why would someone want a license plate that reads “I Love to Foo?”

Authorities in Michigan jailed a 17-year-old for rolling a joint on the street. He was released after posting bond and an hour later police found him rolling a joint on the same street. This kid sure lacks “street” smarts. He sure ain’t no “road” scholar.

Instead of posting bond he tried to post bong.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton gave a puzzling and difficult interview to a Canadian radio journalist when he appeared on the show with his band. When the host asked Thornton when the band formed, Thornton said: “I don’t know what you’re talking abut. Thornton is just acting like an ass because he’s preparing for a new role: “The Billy Bob Thornton Story.”

The New Yorker’s got Obama “covered”

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

New Yorker magazines latest cover shows an illistration of Barack Obama wearing sandals, robe and a turban. His wife, Michelle, dressed in camouflage, combat boots and an assault rifle strapped over her shoulder. They’re in the Oval Office fist tapping in front of a burning American flag in the fireplace and Over the mantel hangs a portrait of Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the artists didn’t know that there was ink in his pen.

Afterward, Obama threw a copy of the New Yorker in the fireplace.

When did Jesse Jackson learn how to draw?

Anheuser Busch Cos. has agreed to a $52 billion takeover from Belgian brewer InBev, creating the world’s largest brewer. The new owners will keep the Budweiser brand as-is except in Europe they may have to call Bud Light what it really is: Purified drinking water.

Anheuser Busch waffled on this Belgian deal for a long time, but, looking back, as most deals that invlove beer - it went through quickly and was over in a whiz.

Zoologists in Australia think that Tasmanian Devils are breeding at younger ages because of an epidemic of cancer that cuts their lives short. In America, teens are breeding at younger ages which cuts their parents lives short.

This is now the second leading cause of death for the Tasmanian Devil right behind “sudden falling anvil syndrome.”

Apple Inc. sold 1 million of their new iPhone 3G in the first three days. Which will be re-sold on e-bay in the following three days.

In the past year nearly 400 cast iron manhole covers have been taken from the streets in Flint Michigan and probably sold for scrap. Talk about falling into a life of crime.

A Florida woman allegedly hit her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking cocain. Also, she was fed up with his leaving the seat up so she put it down….on his head. Afterwards…. he felt like crap.

A woman in Wisconsin is accused of planting a dead rat in restaurant food - then demanding $500,000 to keep quiet. She may have been a bit obvious by ordering “organic ratatouille.”

HBO and Warner Brothers are working together to develope a sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie. Thanks for the heads-up, this gives men plenty of time to work on excuses to get out of going to see it with their wives

During the Olympics dog meat has been struck from the menus of officially designated Olympic restaurants in Beijing. Whatever you do, don’t ask for a doggie bag.