Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

World Series of floozies

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. She’ll let a guy get to 3rd base just for tickets behind 3rd base.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home, she’ll ask a guy home for behind.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For tickets behind home plate, she’ll let a guy approach the mound.

A 43-year-old woman in Philadelphia posted an ad on craigslist offering sex in exchange for tickets to see the Phillies play in the World Series. For box seats she’ll offer up her bo……?

President Obama went to Florida to tour a solar energy center. He will offer funding for technologies that make the nation’s electricity grid more reliable. They’re called “smart grid.” Don’t confuse Obama’s “smart grid” with President Bush’s “dumb luck.”

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. The lights also went out at “The Jay Leno Show,” but nobody noticed.

“Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson, had to finish taping Tuesday nights show with a flashlight after high winds knocked out power. When that happened at Letterman’s show they caught him with an intern.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Ren and Stimpy.

The younger sister of Fidel and Raul Castro has revealed in her memoirs that she worked for the CIA in Cuba in the early 1960’s. Her code name was Donna. Fidel and Raul had code names for each other too: Hitler and Stalin.

More than 170 passengers were evacuated from an Australian Jetstar flight because an engine caught fire after landing. The Northwest airline pilots said, “See, if you keep the plane in the air it doesn’t burst into flames.”

Federal regulators have revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who missed their destination because they were on their laptops. The pilots went to meet with officials so they can plead their case, but drove 150 miles past the building.

The Church of Scientology was convicted of fraud and fined more than $900,000 by a court in Paris, France. Can you do that? Fine a phony religion?

Sarah Palin says that she has received at least $1.25 million for her upcoming memoir “Going Rogue.” Talk about your cash for clunkers.

Cheney Speaks

Friday, August 14th, 2009

A 51-year-old man in Maryland is in custody after holding a sign reading “Death to Obama” outside a town hall meeting on health care. Obama won’t die so easy - he’s got good health care.

A doctor in Florida who wants to promote better eating posted warnings on an electric sign such as: “French Fries = Thunder thighs” and “America Dies on Dunkin,” has been forced to resign. He’s also suspected of Twittering Little Debbie.

A British auction house says a signed copy of Adolf Hitler’s Manifesto “Mein Kampf” will be auctioned off and is expected to sell for $41,500. Mein Kampf, or as it’s known to Republicans: The health care Reform bill.

Starting Saturday, air travelers will have to identify their gender, date-of-birth and name. If your joining the mile high club you’ll also be required to show proof of your gender.

Victoria Beckham, formally of the Spice Girls, filled in for Paula Abdul on the “American Idol” auditions in Denver and got called back to sit in on Boston auditions. In a related story Paula Abdul tried to join the Spice Girls, but they already have a Scary Spice.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says that in their second term President Bush began to move away from him and showed an independence he didn’t see coming. This was around the same time President Bush turned from the Dark side to the Dumb side.

A 33-year-old man in Illinois was sentenced to six months in jail for making a yawn-like sound in court while his cousin was being sentenced for a drug charge. Now he’s making snoring sounds so his cell-mate will think he’s asleep.

Hillary Clinton, while speaking at a town-hall meeting in the Congo, was asked a question she thought was wanting Bill Clinton’s opinion. She got angry and said “I will tell you my opinion, I’m not going to channel my husband.” Rumor has it she hasn’t “channeled” her husband in years.

To reach Bill Clinton what channel would someone use? Probably channel 69.

Shooters hit Hooters

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Today is tax day. If you haven’t finished your taxes there are two choices: File an extension or join the Obama administration.

Today is April 15th, or as the Obama cabinet calls it: Wednesday.

A 30-year-old man was arrested in California after he broke into a woman’s home and stole from her lingerie drawer. Officers discovered he was wearing the victim’s lingerie under his own clothes. But, in his defense, the garments were Fruit of the Loons.

The EPA hosted its first-ever bedbug summit. Bedbugs are becoming a worldwide problem. They’re now found in hospitals, college dorms and swanky hotels. Top experts from around the world have put their heads together and concluded that the best way to battle bedbugs is to sleep tight.

A woman in Brazil was shot in the chest on a bus when a shootout broke out. Her life was saved by a wad of cash she had stuffed in her bra. This really is proof of how hard the economy is.

A new book about the infomercial industry says that 30% of Americans have ordered a product from a television infomercial and that it is a $100 billion industry. And, 100% of these books will be bought from an infomercial.

Many people only bought items from an infomercial because they thought it would get Billy Mays to shut up.

Parishioners at a church in Sweeden unveiled a 6-foot-tall statue of Jesus that they built out of 30,000 Lego blocks. When will they learn not to toy with Jesus.

An unemployed woman in Connecticut has been trying to find a job since June and has resorted to renting a billboard along I-95. It has her photo, web site address and the words “Hire Me.” This technique has been successful for her in the past with her “Marry Me” billboard.

About six years ago a rancher in Texas named his cattle ranch “Deep Shit Cattle Co.” after a tough day of herding & moving cattle and stepping in cow pies. But, don’t confuse it with George W. Bush’s Texas ranch. That’s “Dip Shit Cattle Co.”

Barry Manilow: Mall Cop

Friday, March 6th, 2009

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are teaming up to headline a benefit concert in New York City on April 4Th. Heather Mills took Paul to the cleaners. The economy is in the dumps. Maybe Paul and Ringo will have to live in that Yellow Submarine after all.

According to the Mortgage Bankers Association a record number of homeowners are behind on their payments. And those with adjustable mortgages have been paying a flat rate: zero.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. This would be a great wallet for R&B singer Chris Brown to endorse. It comes with extra teeth for your girlfriend.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Massachusetts Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. Or as Wal-Mart employees call it - a dental plan.

A customer shopping for a wallet at a Massachusetts Wal-Mart found 10 human teeth when he unzipped a compartment. You know the economy is bad when not only is your wallet empty - it can actually bite you in the ass.

Ten co-workers at an insurance company in New Jersey won a $216 million on a lottery. Ba-Da Ching!

The web-based tool twitter that allows people to send out text messages is getting very popular in Washington. The Obama administration may be known for it’s twitter. The Bush administration known for its twit.

Someone sent me a message from twitter. Does that make me a twittee?

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is going to broadcast songs by Barry Manilow through the mall district to convince unruly teenagers to go elsewhere. After hearing Manilow’s music they certainly won’t be going to the music store.

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is going to broadcast songs by Barry Manilow through the mall district to convince unruly teenagers to go elsewhere. Chasing kids from the mall. Manilow has become the new Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Last weekend Siegfried and Roy performed with the same tiger that attacked Roy in 2003. The show was a benefit for a Cleveland clinic which treats brain disorders. The act was an example of risky behavior engaged in by people with brain disorders.

Jerry Seinfeld is returning to TV with a reality show titled “The Marriage Ref.” it will feature celebrities, comedians and sport stars offering advice to real-life couples. Ironically, many marriages have broken up because husbands spent too much time watching celebrities, sport stars and comedians on TV.

Alex Rodriguez: “Hello Boli”

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

Congratulations to Paris Hilton. She turned 28. Though, it’s not confirmed if that’s tricks or years?

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he took a substance called “Boli” that was purchased over-the-counter in the Dominican Republic. And administered under the table in America.

There not sure, but scientists think this substance “Boli” is actually the antidote to a Yankee Stadium hot dog.

Alex Rodriguez says he stopped using steroids in 2003 because of a neck injury. Actually, his inflated ego - which resulted in a big head - is what caused the neck injury.

A company that makes a software app called “Pull My Finger” wants the makers of “iFart” to stop using the “Pull My Finger” phrase. Good luck. I’ve been asking my uncle Morrie to stop using that phrase for years.

An Oregon man is charged with child abuse after his 9-year-old son wrote an essay explaining that the father shot him with a BB gun because he was blocking the TV. Ironically, he was blocking an ad for Target.

A woman in Salt Lake City chased a man who was breaking into a co-worker’s car and stopped him by giving him a wedgie and putting him in a headlock. Police arrived just in time. She was just about to give him some noogies.

President Obama signed the mammoth stimulus package into law Tuesday. Don’t confuse this with Clinton’s stimulus package, this one is for the American people. Clinton’s was for interns.

When President Bush heard about the Mammoth stimulus package he was wondering why Obama would want to help an extinct mammal.

The Stooges Stimulus Plan

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

The economy is in the dumps, unemployment is skyrocketing, homes are foreclosed on. Obama can come up with his stimulus plan, but the Stooges never fail to provide comedy stimulus when times are tough.

Here’s a short from 1944 called “Busy Buddies.” Just the silliness needed to lighten your load when the news is full of depressing stories. The Stooges sure know how to make the best of a bad economy. In this short they go from the restaurant business, to poster hangers, to a cow milking contest all in under 17 minutes. It’s just udder nonsense. Enjoy!

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Watch Three Stooges - Busy Buddies in Classic Comedies Featuring The Three Stooges!  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Hooters sued, Boobs in the News

Thursday, January 15th, 2009

A Chicago hair salon changed its name from Ossamma’s Hair Design to Obama’s Hair Design and has seen business improve in only two weeks. Maybe the country would not be in such a mess if President Bush had changed the name of his administration to Obama years ago

A man in Texas is suing Hooters because they will not hire him as a waiter. Hooters is smart they know that one idiot cannot do the job of two boobs.

A man in California has been arrested for arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, several cases of meat and 100 cases of beer. When a woman hears that story she is shocked. When a man hears it he’s shocked but can’t help asking “what kind of beer?”

Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England say that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tend to be more successful in the London financial district. That’s in London. In New York they have longer middle fingers to use on investors of ponzie schemes.

In Virginia, a 71-year-old man fell from a flagpole while replacing a cable and was dangling 75 feet above ground for 20 minutes until rescued. It’s the first time in history that a senior citizen has used the phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get down.”

A mafia boss in Italy escaped from police by climbing through a trap door and into the sewer as authorities closed in on his hideout. This is a Job for Joe six-pack and Joe the Plumber. Joe six-pack upstairs to flush him out and Joe the Plumber underground to nab him.

He’s now known as the “number two” mafia boss.

Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes fame turned 90 yesterday. At that age I now understand why 60 Minutes calls his segment “A few minutes with Andy Rooney.”

At a Utah Carl’s Jr. restaurant a man’s gun fell out of its holster while he pulled up his pants in the men’s room. The gun went off and shattered the toilet. The man was not arrested. This is a lesson to Larry Craig - it only causes trouble when you ask someone else to shoot your gun off in a men’s room.

Out of habit senator Larry Craig advised the man to make a statement that he’s not gay.

A peanut butter maker that sells to the food service industry has recalled some of its peanut butter due to a possible salmonella contamination. This is absolutely the worst kind of salmonella because when you vomit it sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Ellen DeGeneres is “saddened beyond belief”

Friday, November 7th, 2008

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran congratulated Barack Obama on his win. It’s the first time an Iranian leader has done so since 1979. And coincidentally, it was done wearing the same Members Only jacket.

With Obama’s win I guess his “illegal aunt” staying in the country will only be an issue over at Fox News.

A drunk motorist in Alaska was charged with auto theft and has no memory of taking the wrong vehicle from the parking lot of a gentleman’s club. He was disoriented because he thought he saw Russia from his rear-view mirror.

A 45-year-old woman had to be restrained using duct tape on a United Airlines flight from Puerto Rico to Chicago after she became unruly and started fighting with flight attendants. It goes to show you that duct tape can be used to fix anything that’s “cracked.”

A woman jogging in Arizona was attacked by a rabid fox and ran a mile with it clamped on her arm. She ran that last mile doing the “fox trot.”

A Florida couple became among the first to use the name Obama for their child born: Sanjae Obama Fisher on Tuesday night. Thank goodness Obama won. If McCain won the kid’s name would be Sanjae Grandpa Fisher.

Ellen DeGeneres said that she is “saddened beyond belief” by the passage of a constitutional amendment in California banning gay marriage. DeGeneres may be bi-polar. It’s difficult being both “saddened beyond belief” and “gay beyond belief” at the same time.

A handwritten copy of the 1864 speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the White House after being re-elected is being auctioned by Christie’s in NY. When President Bush heard it was handwritten he wondered why Lincoln didn’t use a computer.