Posts Tagged ‘President Obama’

007 is 82

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

In an new experiment Amazon.com has given more than 200 college students Kindle e-reading devices loaded with digital versions of their textbooks. Why not load the Kindle with what the students will really use? - Cliffs notes.

Roman Polanski is in a Swiss jail and is finishing work on his latest film from his cell. How about finishing his latest sentence.

The FBI has begun using facial-recognition technology to compare millions of motorists driver’s license photos with pictures of convicts. They are trying to find the one criminal in America who actually looks like his driver’s license photo.

President Obama wants to give people on Social Security a $250 payment to make up for no cost of living increase in Social Security next year. Grandpa can use the $250 to bribe the death panels not to pull the plug on grandma.

Actor Roger Moore who played James Bond turned 82 this week. At 82, to keep it active, he’s required every year to renew his license to kill.

An artist in Straubing, Germany has placed 1,250 garden gnomes with their arms outstretched in the Hitler salute in the towns marketplace. That’s how these things start. Before you know it they’ll show up in Poland, France….Hungary.

A 54-year-old woman in Michigan was arrested for calling police and reporting the theft of her marijuana plants. They were potted plants.

Al Pacino says that when he was 20 he lived in Sicily and an older woman provided him with food and housing in return for his servicing her ……Hoo-Ha!

A painting created by a 19th century German artist and sold two years ago for about $19,000 is now thought to be done by Leonardo da Vinci. Art experts say it’s valued at more than $150 million. It’s a painting by numbers. 150 million numbers.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said “There’s going to be swift action” after celebrity Web site TMZ.com posted photographs showing his wife Maria Shriver on a phone while driving. The TMZ photographer will surly enjoy his new job as a wedding photographer in Tijuana.

Be careful with the bladder splatter

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. You don’t want to know how he celebrated when he turned 69.

NBC News reports that when exercise guru Jack LaLanne turned 95-years-old two weeks ago he celebrated by doing 95 jumping jacks and 95 push ups. And getting up 95 times a night to pee.

President and Michelle Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary. He did 17 years with Michelle, can he do more than 4 years with Americans?

A Japanese airline has started asking passengers to use the toilet before boarding to reduce aircraft weight. Guys, be careful with your aim, remember you have to take those shoes off to go through security.

Burger King plans to overhaul its 12,000 locations worldwide with a new look. The interior will have rotating red flame chandeliers, TV-screen menus and corrugated metal and brick walls. But, don’t worry, the food will still suck.

A study shows that birth control pills may be taking human evolution in a new direction. It may affect choice of mates in a way that could hinder successful reproduction in the future. Isn’t that the whole point behind birth control pills? To hinder successful reproduction.

Maybe the parents of the people who conducted this study should have thought about birth control pills.

A couple in Massachusetts upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of the children in line. One thing KFC will not tolerate is “fowl language.”

An Ohio couple got married last weekend both dressed as vampires. The groom arrived in a coffin inside a hearse and the coffin was carried to the alter by six pallbearers. I hear they have plans to Honeymoon on the coast. Probably Cape Odd.

The Mommas and the Pappas are their own baby’s Daddy

Saturday, September 26th, 2009

President Obama spent a lot of time this week with the Group of 20. Not the summit in Pittsburgh. A group of twenty who still back his health care plan.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg admits to taking a helicopter to the U2 show at Giants stadium on Thursday. Bloomberg likes to portray himself as a national environmental leader. Just because the helicopter is painted green doesn’t count……….

How much do you tip a helicopter pilot?
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­A new comparison of flu vaccines says that the standard shot in the arm is twice as effective against regular winter flu as the newer nasal spray. Good thing it’s twice as effective, it’s twice as painful.

A woman in New Jersey has just turned 100 years old. She went into work just as she has every day for the last 30 years. Sure, she doesn’t want to get canned on her 100th birthday

An investigation by the Associated Press found that the drinking water at thousands of schools across the country contain unsafe levels of lead, pesticides and dozens of other toxins. Inspectors are surprised because usually these things are confined to the cafeteria.

In a new book actress Mackenzie Phillips says she had consensual sex with her father, Mommas and the Pappas leader John Phillips. He wasn’t California Dreamin.’ More like “Californication Dreamin.”

A nationwide shortage of school nurses could lead to more students falling Ill from the H1N1 virus. There is no shortage of teachers so students will also be contracting syphilis, VD, chlamydia…….

Last spring a school nurse in New York City - Mary Pappas at St. Francis Preparatory School - helped curtail the country’s first major outbreak of H1N1. Amazing that she did it with only a spoonful of sugar.

New research suggests that teenagers with their own cars are much more likely to get in crashes than those who share a car. And the ones who share a back seat are more likely to have an “accident.”

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. They wouldn’t allow any camels because with Gadhafi and Trump two humps is enough.

Moammar Gadhafi’s elaborate tent on Donald Trump’s estate in Bedford, N.Y. has been taken down after causing public indignation. Trump hired a look-alike with a bad hairpiece to go tell Gadhafi he’s fired.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. He’s already wearing adult diapers.

The 19.2 pound baby that was born in Indonesia is drawing crowds of curious people who want to get a peek at the infant. A peek. More like an eyeful.

TMZ published Britney Spears’ American Express credit card statement. The bill totaled over $112,000. Most of that was for Prozac and driving lessons for the kids.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Texas for allegedly skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill in California. His new film: “Kingpin-head.”

NASA said it has found water molecules all over the moon’s surface. But, next time they’ll dry off the toilet seat.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mick Jagger tried it out and the thing exploded.

A British pharmacy has launched an online calculator which figures out how many sexual partners you’ve had. It takes into consideration your number of partners, then your partners previous lovers, and so on. It concludes that the average man or woman in Britain has slept with 2.8 million people. Mr. Bean tried it and came up with negative six.

A widow in Florida is suing Green Tree Servicing for causing stress that contributed to the death of her husband. They called up to nine times per day hounding him for money he owed on the family mortgage. The real shocker was that the calls were coming from inside the house!

eye candy

Friday, September 18th, 2009

A new study says that U.S. states whose residents have more conservative religious beliefs tend to have higher rates of teenagers giving birth. And during conception more of them scream out Oh God, Oh God!

A new study says that U.S. states whose residents have more conservative religious beliefs tend to have higher rates of teenagers giving birth. It starts with many of them caught twittering in church.

A new study says that U.S. states whose residents have more conservative religious beliefs tend to have higher rates of teenagers giving birth. Either that or if your mother is Governor of Alaska.

Guinness World Records said that 8 foot 1 inch Sultan Kosen from Turkey is the new worlds tallest man. The previous title holder at 8 feet 5.5 inches was stripped of the title because he refused to be measured. You know times are tough when even the worlds tallest man is downsizing.

Former President Jimmy Carter said that S.C. Rep Joe Wilson’s “You lie” outburst was “dastardly.” It’s nice to see Jimmy Carter getting his vocabulary from a Dudley Do-Right cartoon.

A worker in Spain has won a lawsuit after he was fired for calling his boss a “son of a bitch.” He won, so perhaps the worker was correct. Maybe the boss is an SOB.

New research suggests that the swine flu can still spread after a fever goes away. The best sign of when a patient is not contagious is when the coughing stops. Or the breathing.

President Obama was caught on tape saying he thinks Kanya West is an asshole. He’s trying to put a positive spin on it by saying that under his health care plan assholes qualify for a colonoscopy.

Doctors in Florida saved a woman from blindness with a rare procedure where a tooth was implanted in her eye to hold a prosthetic lens. The doctor used her sweet tooth. Now she can’t resist eye candy.

Doctors in Florida saved a woman from blindness with a rare procedure where a tooth was implanted in her eye to hold a prosthetic lens. Be cautious if she says you look good enough to eat.

I Can Do Bad Jokes All By Myself

Monday, September 14th, 2009

During President Obama’s speech on health care last Wednesday, S.C. Rep. Joe Wilson shouted out “You lie” Wilson was upset that the plan doesn’t cover Turrets syndrome.

At the box office over the weekend the top movie was “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” It’s the story of South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.

Disney is planning the largest expansion in the history of Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom in Florida. They’re going to double the size of Fantasyland. It will now include Universal Health care and a coherent Paula Abdul.

Two 20-year-old Oklahoma men were arrested in a Walmart after playing a pornographic DVD that was connected to six display televisions. For a few minutes store security had an easy time finding the fathers of children lost in the store.

Police in Oregon used a taser stun gun on an elk so they could cut it free after its antlers had become entangled in a barbed wire fence. They felt so pleased with their good deed that they let the elk run free for a bit before shooting it.

A suburban Philadelphia animal welfare group plans to donate dog food for every time Michael Vick is tackled during Philadelphia’s game against Washington on October 26th. The promotion is called Kibbles for hits.

A woman in North Dakota went home from the hospital with the wrong baby. The mistake was discovered within an hour and was reunited with her child. She may not have found out, if someone hadn’t hung one of those yellow signs in the back of her van that read, “Wrong Baby on Board.”

The Arizona Department of Public Safety says that a driver has amassed $6,700 in fines by speeding. He was captured on speed camera photos wearing either a monkey or giraffe mask. I can’t believe he wore a giraffe mask. Sticking his neck out like that.

The worlds oldest person, Gertrude Baines, has died. She was 115 and lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream. For decades doctors have warned her about that diet. But they all died years ago.

Fox announced that Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on “American Idol.” They’re replacing a judge who said things funny with one that says funny things.

Obama’s Health Care Overhaul

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

On Wednesday, President Obama spoke about his ideas to overhaul the nations health care system. He addressed a joint session of congress. Afterward, the muddled Republican response was for people who smoke joints.

On Wednesday President Obama spoke to a joint session of Congress and the American people about the needed overhaul of the nation’s healthcare system. He is willing to compromise and change some of his previous language. For example, Instead of “death panels,” that’s been changed to “Bucket List.”

A UPS truck in Denver has racked up 196 tickets last year worth nearly $5,700. Now we know what Brown can do for us. Move the damn truck it’s blocking traffic.

Disney is holding what they call the D23 Expo in Anaheim, California this weekend. This event is sort of a precursor to Comic con. It will give parents a sense of their children’s future and whether there will be a need to finish the basement.

A 20-year-old man in Ohio who was a suspect in a robbery returned to the scene of the crime two hours later and asked the victim out on a date. He could steal her stuff, but not her heart.

A father and son have both won the cricket-spitting competition for their age groups at the Wisconsin State Fair. The family motto: The bug stops here.

The son is a cricket-spitting image of his father.

A former Ohio deputy has pleaded guilty to feeding an inmate a bologna sandwich that had been rubbed against another inmate’s genitals. My bologna has a first name, it’s O.s.c.a.r, my bologna has a second name, it’s - Larry.

The deputy handed the sandwich directly to the inmate. He didn’t hide the bologna.

A New Jersey nuclear power plant that began operations in 1969 just got a new 20-year operating license. Environmentalists think the plant is too old to go on operating for another 20 years. Some in New Jersey thought the same thing about Bruce Springsteen.

This nuclear power plant was “Born to Run.”

Lancaster Pennsylvania is located in the heart of Amish country. It has 165 surveillance cameras that keep watch over the residents around the clock. An old-fashioned, non-electric, spring wound clock.

The Beatles: Rock Band

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

President Obama addressed the nation’s students in a back-to-school address. Actually, President Bush was better at this than Obama. Bush was on the same level as schoolchildren.

New research shows that moths, caterpillars and fruit flies could soon take the place of mice used in scientific testing of drugs. But, it also raises new side effects such as a night time obsession with the porch light.

“The Beatles: Rock Band” will be released today. But, be careful. Buy the original. On the street there are already pirated editions called “Beatlemania: Rock Band.”

Federal authorities say a Brooklyn man ran a Ponzi scheme for 31 years. The money was sunk into bad real estate deals and to run a mail-order pornography business. Well, he figured that while he was screwing people they might as well get a happy ending.

Amazon.com is offering free books or $30 to customers whose copies of George Orwell’s “1984″ were deleted from their electronic Kindle reading devices. Ironic, but Orwell predicted this would happen.

A Salt Lake City woman who held a Guinness World Record for her long fingernails had them broken off in a car crash. She hadn’t cut them in 30 years. But, on the bright side she can now finish typing that letter she started in 1979.

A 19-year-old woman in Florida was accused of taking $7 in change from a car parked at a police station. She was confused and thought Obama’s program was called “Cash from Clunkers.”

Police arrested a woman in Alaska accused of shoving her friend out of a moving vehicle. The two had been drinking at a bar. We know it wasn’t Sara Palin. She would have quit before the shove was completed.

President Obama addressed the nation’s students in a back-to-school address. Then afterward he invited them all back to the White House for a Root Beer.

Something to sing about

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

A sokeswoman for Celine Dion says that Dion is pregnant with her second child. That’s the last thing we need. Something for Celine Dion to sing about.

A musician had left his 18th century violin worth about $600,000 in a New York City cab. A GPS device in the cab helped track down the vehicle and the violin. Odd that he left it in a cab. Most violinists play in the subway.

Producers of the movie “Pledge This!” starring Paris Hilton are suing the socialite for $8.3 million claiming that the film would not have bombed if Hilton had promoted the film properly. She didn’t promote her internet video and that thing did great.

What was the name of Paris Hilton’s internet video? “Pluck This?”

What was the name of Paris Hilton’s internet video? I think was “Snakes on a Dame.”

What was the name of Paris Hilton’s internet video? “District 69?”

New research has led doctors to think that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart may have died from a strep infection that led to kidney failure. How are they going to figure out what killed Mozart? They can’t even figure out what killed Michael Jackson.

No comment from Amadeus’ decedents Jermaine and Tito Mozart.

Michael Jackson will be buried at Forest Lawn-Glendale cemetary on August 29. i guess he won’t get his final wish and be buried in a children’s cemetary.

A 59-year-old man in New York fell down 30 feet through a rusted-out metal plate on the sidewalk after he stepped outside an Off-Track Betting Parlor to smoke a cigar. He called his wife from the bottom of the hole and she proceeded to give him a lecture about hanging out with his low-life friends in a betting parlor..

A 59-year-old man in New York fell down 30 feet through a rusted-out metal plate on the sidewalk after he stepped outside an Off-Track Betting Parlor. No need for Off-Track Betting, walking the streets of New York is a Gamble.

A 59-year-old man in New York fell down 30 feet through a rusted-out metal plate on the sidewalk after he stepped outside an Off-Track Betting Parlor to smoke a cigar. New York is a city you can fall for.

Workers preparing a neighborhood in Manhattan for the filming of an upcoming Queen Latifah movie saw several men start arguing and then bullets flying when someone started shooting. Out of habit to stop the shooting the movie people shouted “Cut!”

While President Obama gave a speech at a convention center in Phoenix about a dozen people were carrying guns while protesting outside, including one man carrying an AR-15 semi-automatinc rifle. You live in a country which lets you carry an assault weapon to a protest rally against your president….. You have nothing to protest against!