Posts Tagged ‘Republican’

Vic Mizzy RIP

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Songwriter Vic Mizzy who composed the theme song for the 1960’s sit-com “Green Acres,” has died at 93. He wants to be buried in the country, but his wife wants him buried in the city.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. That’s embarrassing, though in their defense it is a pubic thread.

A Massachusetts man went on a test drive with a Honda car salesman for more than 1,000 miles because the man refused to turn back. The guy was smart. He took a Japanese car. An American car wouldn’t have gone 1,000 miles.

The White house says that it will continue to book officials on Fox News even though they feel the network is a mouthpiece for the Republican party. Don’t confuse that with Rush Limbaugh. He’s the Republican bigmouth-piece.

Switzerland’s top criminal court rejected Roman Polanski’s appeal to be released from prison. And they definitely rejected his request of conjugal visits.

Pope Benedict has taken steps to make it easier for disaffected Anglicans to convert to Roman Catholicism. As an incentive, he’s offering converts a free ride in the Pope-mobile.

In a new study, scientists removed pheromones from fruit flies. The results caused male flies to be attracted to males. The technical term was that they can now fly both ways.

A new poll says that 57 percent of Americans support the government in creating a new health insurance plan to compete with private health insurance plans. The other 43 percent are Republicans.

Apple Inc’s sales and profits hit quarterly records which sent its stock to an all-time high. They have an app for that.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. Also, it was discovered that the museum’s dinosaur skeletons are actually constructed of Milk Bones.

A white justice of the peace in Louisiana refused to issue a marriage license earlier this month to a white woman and a black man. He won’t even allow guests at weddings to throw brown rice.

John McCain & Sarah Palin

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Last week when reporters asked John McCain if it’s a boy or a girl they were referring to his choice of a future running mate. This week it refers to the running mate’s future grandchild.

John McCain’s Senate record on teenage pregnancy issues has opposed proposals to spend federal money on pregnancy prevention. With his running mate having a 17-year-old daughter who is pregnant McCain’s lack of support for teen-pregnancy programs has come home to roost.

John McCain’s VP pick, Sarah Palin, has a new baby and her daughter is due to have one soon. They’re considering a new campaign slogan: “Baby on board.”

President Bush addressed the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis Tuesday night from the White House by satellite. Democrats were disappointed, they’d rather have the President address the convention from an actual satellite.

The President spoke to the Republican National Convention by satellite. He was watched by attendees on a huge Jumbo-Tron…or, on that night, as the Democrats would like to refer to it: the Dumbo-Tron.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin’s back-round was properly checked out before she was asked to join McCain’s Republican ticket. If Palin were a Democrat she’d be judged by different standards. When they check out a candidate and say “she’s fine” it means a whole different thing.

Swedish and U.S. researchers think a gene that affects a male rodent’s ability to stay faithful in a relationship for life may also affect human men. It already affects guys because when a man cheats he’s known as a rat.

……………..One main difference is that the female rat doesn’t throw her boyfriends clothes out on the front lawn.

A man in Arizona drove 70 miles after discovering that his wife’s cat had hitched a ride on a spare tire under the truck. If he had driven much further instead of a spare tire, he’d need a spare cat.

An Australian study shows that brisk walking may lead to slight improvements on mental tests for older people with memory problems. Walking is popular among the elderly, which is handy because they frequently misplace their car keys.

Obama infuriated, Bush Insultiated, Ron Wood Inebriated

Friday, July 18th, 2008

In an interview with Glamour magazine, Barack Obama said attacks on his wife are “infuriating.” Bill Clinton sympathizes with Obama and told him it get’s worse when they start attacking your girlfriend.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that European terrorists are trying to enter ther United States with European Union passports. They’re coming here to taunt Americans over how weak the dollar is compared to the Euro.

The U.S. government lifted its warning on all kinds of tomatoes and said the salmonella outbreak is not over, but is finally slowing. Now people are walking briskly to the toilet instead of running.

Coca-Cola will raise prices this fall because the company that bottles the product said that it will be raising its prices. This will make the choice between Coke and Pepsi that much easier.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is receiving Social Security checks, but says that if future generations are to enjoy benifits the system needs to be fixed. McCain should be able to fix it. Everything else in the Republican party is fixed.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood has entered a rehab facility for help with alcoholism. Don’t confuse Mr.Wood with the Rolling Stones’ other guitarist, Keith Richards. Ron Wood is the one still living.

In an interview with CNN House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that President Bush - in everything from the economy to the war to energy policy has been a “total failure.” President Bush wants to accuse Pelosi of flip-flopping. Last time she said he was a complete failure.

dailynewsjokes June 17th 2008

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Republican John McCain’s campaign said that Barack Obama, when it comes to terrorism, has a September 10th mind set.>> As opposed to the Bush administration’s April 1st mind set.

An investment firm that paid off Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch debt has asked him to play Las Vegas to make up some of the money he owes them. >> For the sake of children everywhere, let’s hope he doesn’t play Circus Circus.

In a court decision a Judge has reduced the trust fund of the late Leona Helmsley’s dog “Trouble” from $12 million to $2 million. >> The dog was so upset it went down to the local bar and drank all night from the toilet.

Colorado has started selling scratch and sniff lottery tickets so that lottery players will know what is smells like to throw their money away.

At an Indiana Wal-Mart someone abandoned a 2-year-old boy. They left the child with a note written in spanish, two baby bottles and a few daipers. >> A note in spanish? At a Wal-Mart? I sure hope they found someone to translate.

A report by the Pew Internet and American Life Project shows that almost 30 percent of adults use the internet to read or watch campaign material. >> the other 70 percent looked at other forms of pornography.

dailynewsjokes May 25, 2008

Sunday, May 25th, 2008
To reassure voters, Republican presidentail nominee, John McCain released 1,100 pages of medical records.>> This reassures voters that as President he’ll have great health insurance and they won’t.
In Germany the authorities have taken custody of a 7-month-old boy because his parents posted an ad on eBay offering to sell him for one euro. >> Everyone knows you don’t sell infants on e-bay - you sell them on e-babe! 
Due to a ballooning budget and declining tax revenue, the city of Vallejo California has filed for bankruptcy. >> In the center of town they erected a statue of a guy begging.
  A royal spokesman says that Prince Charles has had a small growth removed from his face. >> Hopefully, this time he won’t marry the growth.
 The three biggest airline carriers each boosted most domestic fares by up to $60 roundtrip > because passengers with lighter wallets will create less weight and more fuel efficiency.  

 

Three children in Wisconsin were picking up trash along a river and came across a hand grenade. Police determined the grenade wasn’t a danger and the kids plan to write a story about their adventure. >> The title of their story: “How to Have a Blast on Your Summer Vacation.”

Dailynewsjokes for April 16, 2008

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

The Pope celebrated his 81st birthday at the White House today. >> President Bush mis-read the Pope’s cake and thought it was for himself.  He thought it said: “Happy Birthday Dope.”

A construction worker buried a Red Sox jersey under 2 feet of concrete hoping to jinx the new Yankee stadium. >> The construction worker is also known to have stepped on a crack in hopes of breaking George Steinbrenner’s back.

Energy prices are up, food prices are up, but clothing prices are at their lowest level in almost a decade. >> Clothing hasn’t dropped this fast since Bill Clinton was president.

A New Jersey man reprogrammed his girlfriend’s favorite video game so a marriage proposal and a ring popped up on the screen. She saw the message and accepted.>> These computer geeks will do anything to have a woman grab their joy stick.

They are hoping their first born is a game boy.

Republican Sen. and likely presidential nominee John McCain wants a summer-long suspension of the federal gasoline tax. >> Well, at least until he nabs the nomination at the Republican convention later this summer.

Comedian Bill Cosby is releasing a hip-hop album. It is an “unflinching look at life in the 21st century, but without the profanity, misogyny, violence and braggadocio.” >> Hip-Hop without profanity? Wow, That’s like profanity without the letter “f.”

A 15 minute black and white film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex was bought for $1.5million by a New York businessman.  >> Fans of  Marilyn would much rather remember her from that classic photo where she’s standing over a NYC subway grate and the only thing blowing is her dress.

Ringo Balks, Thompson Talks, Britney Walks

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Due to severe drought in the Southeast, Nuclear reactors may have to shut down later this year in South Carolina, North Carolina and Alabama.>> This is devistating to national security…..Alabama has nuclear reactors?

Britney Spears was expected to plead for rights to visit her two boys but left the courthouse before she even reached the courtroom. >> She turned around when realizing she had left the house with panties on.

It’s these quick ins and outs that got Britney the kids in the first place

Scotland Yard is investigating grainy video footage of singer Amy Winehouse that allegedly shows her smoking crack. >> They discovered that the video footage is clear, it’s Winehouse who is grainy.

A new federal study says that global warming could reduce how many hurricanes hit the United States.>>The reaction from FEMA: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

A university in Sweeden has received $590,000 in funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch. >> They’ll milk this for everything they can. (what a corny pun that is, just udderly corny)

The next Sweedish study involves testing greenhouse gases humans emit while yawning during Igmar Bergman films.

AL Gore’s new documentary: “An Inconvenient Burp.”

Police in Los Angeles persued suspected bank robbers in a high speed chase while someone in the suspects car threw wads of money out the window. This is the first time officers responded to a bribe-by.

An Australian man was rescued from the jaws of a crocodile when a co-worker shot at the croc - accidentally shooting his companion in the process. >> The man’s lucky that Australia offers free health care which includes gator-aid.

When president Bush heard this story he wondered why there was a crocodile in Austria.

Republican Fred Thompson announced he has withdrawn his candidacy for president of the United States. >> It was like the proverbial tree falling in the forest.  The only way anyone would have noticed Thompson is if the tree fell on him.

Ringo Starr walked off the set of Regis and Kelly rather that cut one of his songs short. >> Not knowing what to do, Gelman put in a call to Pete Best.