Posts Tagged ‘Rosie O’Donnell’

Things aint so Rosie

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a “healthy kids fair” on the South Lawn of the White House. During the event the first lady did 142 swivels with a hula hoop. It’s the same hoop that Republicans are making Barack jump through to get health care passed.

The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for federal gator aid.

Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of banks, big business and the auto industry…that’s a croc.

The economic recession is hurting the American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. See you later…..industry of alligator.

A cat rode two miles in New York City stuck in the engine compartment of an SUV. The police emergency unit was called and removed the cat safely. So 9-lives beat out a V-8.

It’s been reported that Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter may be on the rocks. Rumors that Kelli got in a balloon and flew away are not true.

Actually it wasn’t a balloon, that was Rosie.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting money to pay an exotic dancer. A taxi driver noticed the $50 bills looked odd and were not trimmed evenly. The exotic dancer looked odd and was not trimmed evenly either.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Sadly, with today’s economy, the counterfeit bills have the same value as real bills.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Phony money for phony boobs.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You know global warming is bad when bears are hiding out in the beer cooler at Ralph’s.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You just know some drunk is going to rent a bear suit and try that.

Toyota is experimenting with joystick controls for a new breed of compact cars and transporters. This may cut down on crashes. Men may take their hands off a wheel, but never off their joystick.

Will Play Saxophone for Fish

Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

A trainer in Turkey has taught a walrus how to play the saxophone. Or as they call it on Broadway, Rosie Live!

President-elect Barack Obama said the economy seems destined to get worse before it gets better. Sure it’s going to get worse, Bush has 43 days left.

FBI figures show that more people are getting away with murder than ever before. But, this trend should slow down now that O.J. Simpson is in prison.

A 24-year-old man in Ohio is accused of DWI after doing “doughnuts” on a snow-and-ice covered airport runway in Pittsburgh. He told police he had permission from the FAA to test brakes on the runway. Unfortunately the permission was not from the Federal Aviation Administration, but from the Federated Asshole Academy.

The movie “Four Christmases” made $18.2 million at the box office to make it the winner for the second week in a row. Four Christmases earns 18 mil. I wonder how many Chanukah’s it would take to earn that much?

A retired New York City man has spent $7,500 fighting a $115 parking ticket. Shouldn’t this story read: A retarded New York City man has spent…….

To show the country how much it relies on gays and lesbians, some supporters of same-sex marriage are urging people to “call in gay” and skip work on Wednesday. Or, just forget it and skip to work.

Happy Birthday Woody

Monday, December 1st, 2008

Space shuttle Endeavour landed in California instead of Florida to divert bad weather on Sunday. It had a smooth landing not being bogged down by that heavy toolbox.

Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show Rosie Live has been canceled due to low viewership after only one episode. Rosie will be back if she wants, she carries a lot of weight.

A new study shows that, in the past year, 30 percent of high school students have stole something and 64 percent have cheated on a test. The point was proved when 64 percent of those involved in the survey cheated and the other 30 percent stole the form.

A federal judge is letting a Detroit city employee proceed with a civil suit claiming she couldn’t work because of a co-workers strong perfume. I think that really stinks!

A note to the judge: Lay off the cologne during the trial.

Police in New Jersey surrounded a bank and saw a person inside. The SWAT team was called in and discovered that the “person” in the bank was a cardboard figure. This was quick work. Usually it takes weeks to locate a stiff in New Jersey.

Woody Allen turns 73 today. He celebrated at his wife’s favorite place: Chuck E. Cheese.

A Peruvian immigrant who found $20,000 while cleaning an airliner in Madrid in 2005 was awarded the money because nobody has claimed it in over two years. She really cleaned up in that job.

Japan’s Prime minister, Taro Aso, is being criticized for saying that the elderly are a tax burden and racking up medical expenses, “They’re hobbling around and constantly going to the doctor.” He then went home and watched his favorite movie: “No Country for Old Men.”

Edna Parker, the worlds oldest person, died at the age of 115 in Indiana. She is survived by…….nobody.