Posts Tagged ‘Rush Limbaugh’

Cloudy with a chance of Giant Meatballs

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

A 31-year-old man in Michigan faces charges after stealing an ambulance that had been left idling outside of a hospital emergency room. I don’t think this is what Democrats meant by the Public Option.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in New Hampshire was confirmed by Guinness Book of World Records over the weekend as the maker of the world’s largest meatball. It weighs 222.5 pounds. The previous title holder to the world’s largest meatball - Rush Limbaugh.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. That is, if the male bats have an extra $50 bucks!

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. After hearing this, guys everywhere want to be reincarnated as a Chinese fruit bat.

Scientists have found that female Chinese fruit bats perform oral sex on male bats to get them to prolong the act. And you thought it was bad when they left teeth marks on a neck? Ouch!

Mel Gibson’s girlfriend gave birth to their first child last week. It’s a bold move at his age but Mel has always been a “Maverick,” has a “Braveheart” and knows “What Women Want.”

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Really? You didn’t know?…..Instead of guilty, a better plea may be insanity.

Bernard Madoff’s longtime auditor, David Friehling, pleaded guilty to securities fraud. He claims that he did not know Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. He also just found out that Madoff’s in prison.

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. This is the new “China Syndrome.”

Over the past decade, China has seen a tenfold increase in cases of syphilis. The economic boom has enabled migrant workers to make enough money to hire prostitutes. After visiting a prostitiute, they medicate you long time.

This is It!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

“Michael Jackson’s This is it” topped the box office over the weekend. In second place was “Paranormal Activity.” Many people at the multiplex accidentally entered the wrong theatre, sat through “Paranormal Activity,” and didn’t know the difference.

The original balloon boy, Rush Limbaugh, is in the news again. On “Fox News Sunday,” Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Limbaugh should work for Northwest Airlines. His mouth has just overshot where it should have stopped by 150 miles.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Or as democrats call that…the Bush years.

On “Fox News Sunday,” Rush Limbaugh said President Obama is “immature, inexperienced, in over his head,” offering the country “radical leadership” and laying siege to the economy. Then, over on ESPN, Limbaugh added “He’s also a bad bowler.”

A new survey shows that less companies are planning office parties this Holiday season. This may actually help keep jobs. Now guys don’t have to worry about getting drunk at the party and saying something to piss off the boss.

Police in Iowa arrested two men ages 23 and 20 accused of breaking into an apartment. The suspects had blackened their faces with permanent marker. They had guilt written all over their face.

New research reports that people who are bad drivers may be born that way due to a gene variant. About half the population suffers from this gene variant, the other half are men.

A government study to monitor state-by-state differences in sleeplessness has shown that West Virginia is the top state where people report a lack of sleep. They are sleepless from the embarrassment of living in West Virginia.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. At least that’s what he told Hillary.

Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a 10-foot tall statue of himself in Kosovo over the weekend. Al Gore never got a statue. But, giving Gore a statue would be redundant.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire. He’s been entertaining in Vegas for 50 years. He’ll find out if what happens in Vegas for 50 years, stays in Vegas.

Singer Wayne Newton says he may retire after his 50 years in Las Vegas. He wants to spend more time with his 7-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, so does Roman Polanski.

Officials in Florida believe they have found an alligator that escaped from a wildlife officer who brought the animal to his daughters school for show and tell. Is an alligator actually something unusual for show and tell in Florida? Is there a shortage of gators? That’s like a kid living in Washington bringing a Lobbyist to show and tell.

Prison guards at an Indiana jail are facing disciplinary action after a 40-year-old man, who was not an inmate, was accidentally trapped inside a cell for 12 hours and they didn’t notice. The guy was so panicked he had already started a tunnel.

Five Filipino transvestites on trial in Shanghai are accused of leading men into taxis or hotel rooms, inducing them to eat foods laced with sleeping drugs, then robbing them. That sounds like the worst lyric from a Christmas song ever……Five Filipino transvestites, four calling birds, three…

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. This answers the question “What would Jesus drive.”

Police in Kentucky say that a 36-year-old man who told them his name was “Seven,” smashed a window at a car dealership because God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger. Don’t you think God would be more green? Maybe tell a guy to steal a Prius or something low on mileage?

Vic Mizzy RIP

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Songwriter Vic Mizzy who composed the theme song for the 1960’s sit-com “Green Acres,” has died at 93. He wants to be buried in the country, but his wife wants him buried in the city.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. That’s embarrassing, though in their defense it is a pubic thread.

A Massachusetts man went on a test drive with a Honda car salesman for more than 1,000 miles because the man refused to turn back. The guy was smart. He took a Japanese car. An American car wouldn’t have gone 1,000 miles.

The White house says that it will continue to book officials on Fox News even though they feel the network is a mouthpiece for the Republican party. Don’t confuse that with Rush Limbaugh. He’s the Republican bigmouth-piece.

Switzerland’s top criminal court rejected Roman Polanski’s appeal to be released from prison. And they definitely rejected his request of conjugal visits.

Pope Benedict has taken steps to make it easier for disaffected Anglicans to convert to Roman Catholicism. As an incentive, he’s offering converts a free ride in the Pope-mobile.

In a new study, scientists removed pheromones from fruit flies. The results caused male flies to be attracted to males. The technical term was that they can now fly both ways.

A new poll says that 57 percent of Americans support the government in creating a new health insurance plan to compete with private health insurance plans. The other 43 percent are Republicans.

Apple Inc’s sales and profits hit quarterly records which sent its stock to an all-time high. They have an app for that.

A museum in Cleveland has had a hair from aviator Amelia Earhart on display for twenty years, but has learned that it is not a hair, just a thread that looks like a hair. Also, it was discovered that the museum’s dinosaur skeletons are actually constructed of Milk Bones.

A white justice of the peace in Louisiana refused to issue a marriage license earlier this month to a white woman and a black man. He won’t even allow guests at weddings to throw brown rice.

Tweets, Texts, Stolen Specs

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

19 people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch and canary fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they received an anonymous tweet.

A new study shows that when people text while driving their collision risk is 23 times greater than when not texting. That’s nothing compared to the 100 times greater risk seen in the 60’s when people were typing while driving.

A 67-year-old woman in Australia spent a week wedged between her toilet and the bathroom door. A neighbor heard her scream that she had fallen Down-Under and can’t get up.

In an interview with a U.S. newspaper Vice President Joe Biden made remarks giving the impression that Russia is a weakened nation. Russians are upset. No worries, Obama will invite them to the White House for a beer.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found that HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season. The alliance is requesting that HBO not Curb it’s Enthusiasm.

After serving 18 months in prison for running a dogfighting ring, Michael Vick is back in the NFL. Now all he needs is a team to sign him and keep him on a very short leash.

New research shows that medical spending for someone who is obese costs $1,400 more per patient on average than someone who is of normal weight. So that’s Rush Limbaugh’s plan. To take down health care single-handedly.

An electronic sign at the U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana that had displayed pro-democracy messages has been turned off by the Obama administration. The sign is now used to advertise inner-tubes.

A man from Illinois was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores near Milwaukee. He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. Sort of the same thing Larry King does with wives.

The mayor of Barre, Vermont who agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets was toppled in less than 15 seconds and ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs. President Obama feels sorry for the jousting mayor and may invite him to the White House for a flagon of mead.

Britain will withdraw its remaining forces from Iraq by month’s end because the Iraqi Parliament failed to pass a deal allowing them to stay. Won’t let the British troops stay? Who do they think they are? These Iraqi’s are acting like they own the country.

Cape Clod officer

Friday, April 10th, 2009

In an effort to reach out to Jewish voters President Obama is inviting close friends and staff to a private Seder dinner to mark Passover. Jewish women will teach Michelle Obama how to prepare for a traditional Seder dinner: Make reservations.

Bruce Springsteen denies rumors he’s been unfaithful after a New Jersey man, who’s filing for divorce, says his wife “has committed adultery with one Bruce Springsteen…at various times and places too numerous to mention.” Maybe Springsteen has been sending subliminal messages and this is that “rising” he’s been singing about.

A woman in New Jersey had someone break into her 2003 Honda S20 and stole the steering wheel, shift knob and front seats. It’s okay. She’s a back-seat driver.

Two Detroit-area men face larceny charges after they tried to steal 1,000 pounds of used restaurant grease. This was just a simulation for the real crime they’re plotting: To kidnap Rush Limbaugh.

A former Cape Cod police officer has agreed to pay victims restitution after he exposed himself and urinated on fans at a Metallica concert. The crowd was pissed!

More like he’s a former Cape Clod officer.

At a Metallica concert this is known as the opening act.

Crowd control begins with bladder control.

A Sheriff’s deputy in Arizona had her nose broken when a woman she was trying to arrest swung a purse that contained a three pound bottle of perfume. This is just another case of perfume attacking the nostrils.

A man in Texas motel room threw a large knife at a friend and then stabbed him in the chest because the friend had a flatulence problem and stunk up the room. This is the first reported case where an “SBD” was actually almost deadly.

A Colorado woman who is a vegetarian and loves tofu wanted to get a personalized license plate that read: “ILVTOFU” but was blocked by The Division of Motor Vehicles. Lindsay Lohan already has that one.

Why would someone want a license plate that reads “I Love to Foo?”

Authorities in Michigan jailed a 17-year-old for rolling a joint on the street. He was released after posting bond and an hour later police found him rolling a joint on the same street. This kid sure lacks “street” smarts. He sure ain’t no “road” scholar.

Instead of posting bond he tried to post bong.

Actor Billy Bob Thornton gave a puzzling and difficult interview to a Canadian radio journalist when he appeared on the show with his band. When the host asked Thornton when the band formed, Thornton said: “I don’t know what you’re talking abut. Thornton is just acting like an ass because he’s preparing for a new role: “The Billy Bob Thornton Story.”

Daylight Savings applies for government bailout

Monday, March 9th, 2009

A 65-year-old Florida man stole an ice cream bar from a gas station, put it down his pants and then offered it back for $69. The man was arrested. I guess the clerk didn’t want it back after it had nuts on it.

The worlds heaviest man, Manuel Uribe of Mexico, will have a 1989 Chevy Astro Van outfitted to support his record-breaking weight. It will be modeled after the one used by Rush Limbaugh.

…..It’s known as a Chevy Big-Ass-tro van.

A couple in Idaho has been receiving higher than normal gas bill for over three years. Turns out they were billed incorrectly. The utility company reimbursed them nearly $2,000. Imagine that, paying too much for gas.

It’s daylight savings time. Over the weekend the country turned their clocks ahead. Many people are tired from losing an hour sleep. The only one who looks better is Benjamin Button.

Fire officials in Pennsylvania suspect a four-foot alligator started a fire in an abandoned school. The economy is so bad they think he did it for the insurance money.

Now that he has no place to live he was seen applying for gator-aide.

A man in Pennsylvania sat through six green lights at an intersection after falling asleep at the wheel with his foot on the break and a beer in the console. In his defense it was a “light” beer.

NASA has launched a planet-hunting spacecraft to track down other Earth-like planets. Why, humans haven’t completely ruined this planet yet.

It’s daylight savings time. Over the weekend the country turned their clocks ahead. And Monday morning the least amount of people ever called into work late with the old, “I forgot to turn my clock ahead,” excuse because they don’t have jobs.

Gas prices High, Happy 4th of July

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

Retail gas prices rose to a record high for the fourth day in a row, just in time for July 4th - one of the nations busiest weekends for travel. I think the big oil companies are confused. Celebrating the 4th with a “bang” does not mean screwing the American people.

Rush Limbaugh has signed a deal with Premier Radio Networks that will keep him on the air till 2016 with a nine figure signing bonus and a salary of about $38 million a year. With this salary increase he can afford to upgrade from being windbag to a gasbag.

Astronomers say that NASA probes reveal that our solar system appears slightly dented as if a giant hand is pushing one edge of it inward. It is a giant hand. It’s Rush Limbaugh squeezing the solar system for every last dime.

Archaeologists think that they have finally found the boyhood home of George Washington in Virginia. The archaeologists are greatful to John McCain for pointing it out from memory.

A 74 year old woman in California plowed her car through a convenience store window. She then got out of her car, walked to the cooler, pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer and tried to purchase it, but, she forgot her I.D.

The U.S. Mint, next spring, is going to release the first U.S.coin with readable Braille characters. It’s a silver dollar commemorating the 200th anniversary of Louis Braille, the creator of the alphabet for the blind. Though it is commemorative, this dollar will be worth the same amount as other American dollars……35 cents.

Researchers say that Watermelon may act like viagra by stimulating blood flow through the body. But, some scientists want to examine further what effect big melons have on men…