Posts Tagged ‘South Carolina’

I Can Do Bad Jokes All By Myself

Monday, September 14th, 2009

During President Obama’s speech on health care last Wednesday, S.C. Rep. Joe Wilson shouted out “You lie” Wilson was upset that the plan doesn’t cover Turrets syndrome.

At the box office over the weekend the top movie was “I Can Do Bad All By Myself.” It’s the story of South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.

Disney is planning the largest expansion in the history of Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom in Florida. They’re going to double the size of Fantasyland. It will now include Universal Health care and a coherent Paula Abdul.

Two 20-year-old Oklahoma men were arrested in a Walmart after playing a pornographic DVD that was connected to six display televisions. For a few minutes store security had an easy time finding the fathers of children lost in the store.

Police in Oregon used a taser stun gun on an elk so they could cut it free after its antlers had become entangled in a barbed wire fence. They felt so pleased with their good deed that they let the elk run free for a bit before shooting it.

A suburban Philadelphia animal welfare group plans to donate dog food for every time Michael Vick is tackled during Philadelphia’s game against Washington on October 26th. The promotion is called Kibbles for hits.

A woman in North Dakota went home from the hospital with the wrong baby. The mistake was discovered within an hour and was reunited with her child. She may not have found out, if someone hadn’t hung one of those yellow signs in the back of her van that read, “Wrong Baby on Board.”

The Arizona Department of Public Safety says that a driver has amassed $6,700 in fines by speeding. He was captured on speed camera photos wearing either a monkey or giraffe mask. I can’t believe he wore a giraffe mask. Sticking his neck out like that.

The worlds oldest person, Gertrude Baines, has died. She was 115 and lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream. For decades doctors have warned her about that diet. But they all died years ago.

Fox announced that Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on “American Idol.” They’re replacing a judge who said things funny with one that says funny things.

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Conceal your weapon

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

The U.S. Justice Department says that oil from Mexican government pipelines is being siphoned, smuggled across the border and sold to U.S. refineries. Be on the look out if your station offers unleaded, diesel and Oil of ole.

On CBS’ “Face the Nation” Sunday morning, republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said that more troops are needed in Afghanistan and that the U.S. must not ‘Rumsfeld’ the war. You know, The same way that we must not ‘Cheney’ our hunting buddies.

An investigation by the Associated Press has found that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has used state aircraft for trips to his children’s sporting events, hair and dentist appointments, political party gatherings and a birthday party for a campaign donor. They’re thinking of making a sit-com based on this guy’s exploits titled: “Sanford is Scum.”

Jail inmates in Tampa Florida have been selling “Jailhouse Fire Hot Sauce” made from jail-grown peppers. Ironic, because many of these inmates are in jail for selling home grown products for money.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck of “The View” gave birth to a boy on Sunday. This is her third child. The baby was born of a womb with “The View.”

From August 16 to 31 a San Diego Luxury resort is offering a “Survivor Package” where guests do without breakfast, air conditioning, lights, sheets, toilet paper and a bed for the low price of $19 a night. Don’t we already have that, it’s called Motel 6.

A Florida man who was accused of downloading child pornography told police that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. Coincidentally the cat jumps on the keyboard every time his wife walks in the room too.

Finally, the cat gets blamed for something. The dog is tired of getting blamed for all the farts.

At an Oregon ATM machine a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills. This may not be a bad thing - the last time a mouse built a nest out of money it was called Disneyland.

An obese inmate in a Texas jail was charged with possession of a firearm. He was searched at both the city and county jail. Officers didn’t find the gun because it was hidden in rolls of fat. Not only was the inmate concealing a weapon, he was concealing his neck, belly button, kneecaps, penis……..

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Kim Jong Bill

Saturday, August 8th, 2009

President Obama turned 48-years-old this week. He invited officer Crowley, proffessor Gates and Joe Biden for the big cake summit.

Former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill this week and has been successful in getting the North Korean government to release two American female journalists. His one request was that when released, they don’t wear a blue dress.

A 49-year-old Illinois man drove his riding lawn mower to the gas station for beer because he has a revoked license and a previous DWI. He was arrested for Driving under the influence. His case may be used as the storyline on NBC’s new show: “Lawn and Order.”

Barack and Michelle Obama have made Vanity Fair’s International Best-Dressed List. No longer on the List is Angelina Jolie. But Jolie is still #1 on the list at Humongous Lips monthly.

Paula Abdul has sent a Twitter message announcing that she is quitting “American Idol.” Who is she taking career advise from? McLean Stevenson’s old business manager?

A cheese maker in Switzerland lost a metal spring and was pretty sure that it was in one of his expensive cheeses. He took seven cheese wheels to the local airport and ran them through the X-ray machine until they found the spring. This was the safest way to find the spring without cutting the cheese.

Marine scientists are going to the middle of the Pacific ocean to study an open sea area that is hundreds of miles wide where plastic debris is accumulating. They have dubbed it the “Great Pacific Garbage Patch.” or A patch of Euew.

A new government report says that a child born last year will cost about $221,000 to raise through age 17 for a middle-income family. And at age seventeen the child reciprocates to the middle-income family with the middle finger.

A 56-year-old Connecticut woman was honored at a 2008 dinner as “Nurse of the Year” by the Connecticut Nursing Association. An investigation discovered that she is not a nurse and spent more than $2,000 of her own money to stage the award dinner. Next Year she’s planning a big party for her being nominated as inmate of the year.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from a European vacation with his family. He’s trying to enforce a new state law to crack down on businesses hiring illegal immigrants. Especially women from Argentina.

A woman in Alaska was sentenced to 20 days in jail for letting her 7-year-old son drive while she was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. Is Britnay’s kid 7-years-old already?

An 86-year-old Chicago woman has been arrested 61 times since 1956. This time she was picked up for shoplifting wrinkle cream and stuffing $252 worth of groceries into her pants. Wrinkle cream is a sensible choice. She wanted to look good for her mug shot.

Arrested 61 times? Maybe she’s a slow learner.

According to the National Enquirer.com Oprah Winfrey is being sued for 1.2 trillion because an author says she stole material from his work and published it under another name. Didn’t he break one of the ten commandments: Thou shalt not sue Oprah?

If it isn’t a commandment, she has connections and can have it changed.

In Missouri, a woman and her mother were asked to leave a Burger King because the woman’s 6-month-old child was not wearing shoes. No shoes, but the kid was wearing a suit and tie.

A hypnotist in South Korea has been fined for kissing a woman he thought he had put in a trance. If you’re so boring that you put women in a trance I guess it’s less embarrassing to just say your a hypnotist, yeah, that’s it….a hypnotist.

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Happy Hour at the White House

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Wal-Mart is in discussions with The Centers for Disease Control. The retailer may put swine flu vaccination sites in some of its stores due to Wal-Mart being the center of disease.

President Obama got together for happy hour in the rose garden with Henry Louis Gates and the officer who arrested him. They all had a beer. When Obama got home Michelle checked his breath and jumped down his throat about hanging out with his bum friends drinking beer on a weeknight when they have two young children at home.

Many states are experiencing shortages in their budget. They’re trying to find creative ways to make up for the shortfall. Kentucky has put a tax on cell phone ring tones. There is one exception: the banjo theme from “Deliverance.”

A police officer in Boston has apologized for sending a mass e-mail referring to Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates as a “banana-eating jungle monkey” and says he is not a racist. I’m sure the apology from this mayonnaise-eating white honky will convince everyone he’s not a racist.

Police in Georgia investigating a noise complaint at the home of a 28-year-old woman say she was operating an illegal strip club in her basement and garage. Police got suspicious when she charged them a two drink minimum.

A man in South Carolina was charged with having sex with a horse. The horses owner caught it on videotape. This sounds like the worst episode of “Mr.Ed” ever.

I’ll tell you, e-harmony has just gone too far.

The horse is his “mane” squeeze.

The horse said “He’s hung like me.”

The horse is sad and misses the man. It’s walking around with a long face.

The guy is crushed. Well that happens when the horse is on top.

Results from a major study by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine says that organic food has no nutritional or health benefits over ordinary food. And if there is anything the British are known for its their ability to judge cuisine.

Scientists are now discovering that the top hundredth-inch of the ocean is like a sheet of jelly and home to a menagerie of microbes. Especially the surf around Fire Island.

A new national survey says that one in three adults admit that on any typical day they take a nap. The other two have jobs.

International cancer experts now say that tanning beds are a top cancer risk, deeming them as deadly as arsenic and mustard gas. The good news is the tanning bed can double as a casket.

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