Posts Tagged ‘Wisconsin’

Things aint so Rosie

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a “healthy kids fair” on the South Lawn of the White House. During the event the first lady did 142 swivels with a hula hoop. It’s the same hoop that Republicans are making Barack jump through to get health care passed.

The economic recession is hurting Louisiana’s American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. Louisiana may be eligible for federal gator aid.

Don’t confuse gator aid with the federal bailout of banks, big business and the auto industry…that’s a croc.

The economic recession is hurting the American alligator industry. There is a sharp drop in world demand for alligator skin handbags, watch straps and belts. See you later…..industry of alligator.

A cat rode two miles in New York City stuck in the engine compartment of an SUV. The police emergency unit was called and removed the cat safely. So 9-lives beat out a V-8.

It’s been reported that Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter may be on the rocks. Rumors that Kelli got in a balloon and flew away are not true.

Actually it wasn’t a balloon, that was Rosie.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting money to pay an exotic dancer. A taxi driver noticed the $50 bills looked odd and were not trimmed evenly. The exotic dancer looked odd and was not trimmed evenly either.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Sadly, with today’s economy, the counterfeit bills have the same value as real bills.

A 50-year-old Wyoming man was charged with counterfeiting $50 bills to pay an exotic dancer. Phony money for phony boobs.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You know global warming is bad when bears are hiding out in the beer cooler at Ralph’s.

A 125-pound black bear wandered inside a grocery store in Wisconsin, went to the liquor department, climbed up a 12 foot shelf in the beer cooler and sat down. You just know some drunk is going to rent a bear suit and try that.

Toyota is experimenting with joystick controls for a new breed of compact cars and transporters. This may cut down on crashes. Men may take their hands off a wheel, but never off their joystick.

Cell phones a cancer risk. Batman a flight risk or fight risk?

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

Doug Austen of dailynewsjokes hit the daily double today! He has a joke in both Newsday’s punchlines and The New York Times’ Laugh Lines. A big Thank You goes out to Ken Rasak of Newsday and to the editors of Laugh Lines………Thank You!

Thanks for reading folks, here are todays jokes:

The director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute has issued a warning to limit cell phone use because of the possible risk of cancer. Immediately, thousands of cell users got on their phones to alert friends.

People are still going to see the Batman movie even though Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his mother and sister. He has to beat fans off with a stick, but relatives he gives the hands-on treatment.

Christian Bales’ Next Movie won’t be a Batman flick, it will be a sequal: “Beat the Parents”

A specialized soapy bubble solution, which takes two months to make for the off-Broadway show “Gazillion Bubbles Show,” was stolen from a N.J. warehouse. Why is it that New Jersey is so often the place where peoples’ bubbles are burst?

An elderly couple from Wisconsin say their house is plagued with a noise that sounds like a rumbling motor. They had it tested and no cause can be found. Since it won’t stop, they hope to at least harness the rumbling’s power to keep kids off their lawn.

Pamela Anderson has a new reality show called “Pam: Girl on the Loose,” which premiers Aug. 3rd on E! And you thought that reality shows were too plastic before……

The New Yorker’s got Obama “covered”

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

New Yorker magazines latest cover shows an illistration of Barack Obama wearing sandals, robe and a turban. His wife, Michelle, dressed in camouflage, combat boots and an assault rifle strapped over her shoulder. They’re in the Oval Office fist tapping in front of a burning American flag in the fireplace and Over the mantel hangs a portrait of Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the artists didn’t know that there was ink in his pen.

Afterward, Obama threw a copy of the New Yorker in the fireplace.

When did Jesse Jackson learn how to draw?

Anheuser Busch Cos. has agreed to a $52 billion takeover from Belgian brewer InBev, creating the world’s largest brewer. The new owners will keep the Budweiser brand as-is except in Europe they may have to call Bud Light what it really is: Purified drinking water.

Anheuser Busch waffled on this Belgian deal for a long time, but, looking back, as most deals that invlove beer - it went through quickly and was over in a whiz.

Zoologists in Australia think that Tasmanian Devils are breeding at younger ages because of an epidemic of cancer that cuts their lives short. In America, teens are breeding at younger ages which cuts their parents lives short.

This is now the second leading cause of death for the Tasmanian Devil right behind “sudden falling anvil syndrome.”

Apple Inc. sold 1 million of their new iPhone 3G in the first three days. Which will be re-sold on e-bay in the following three days.

In the past year nearly 400 cast iron manhole covers have been taken from the streets in Flint Michigan and probably sold for scrap. Talk about falling into a life of crime.

A Florida woman allegedly hit her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking cocain. Also, she was fed up with his leaving the seat up so she put it down….on his head. Afterwards…. he felt like crap.

A woman in Wisconsin is accused of planting a dead rat in restaurant food - then demanding $500,000 to keep quiet. She may have been a bit obvious by ordering “organic ratatouille.”

HBO and Warner Brothers are working together to develope a sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie. Thanks for the heads-up, this gives men plenty of time to work on excuses to get out of going to see it with their wives

During the Olympics dog meat has been struck from the menus of officially designated Olympic restaurants in Beijing. Whatever you do, don’t ask for a doggie bag.